The Cycle

There is a cycle to practically everything.  There is a water cycle, life cycle, cycle of abuse...you get the picture.  For me there is a food cycle. 

First, I feel an emotion.  Any strong emotion will do.  Sadness, anger, happiness, boredom, love, loneliness...you get the picture.  The crazy thing with emotions is I am not totally comfortable feeling them.  So I eat to mute those emotions.  I use food to celebrate, commiserate,  and tolerate.  After I eat,  I feel guilt, shame and self-hatred.  Those emotions are huge triggers for me so I eat again to mute those emotions,  which food does...for a while.  Then I feel another intense emotion and the cycle begins again. 

Some have said to me, "Well, just do something else at those times." or "Think about what you want in the long run."  To be honest, being thin or healthy is not as important as the food I am craving to mute the emotion is.  I will obsess over my craving.  I will think about it until I get it.  If I can't have it for some reason, I will get mad and angry, which is an intense emotion so I obsess even more over the craving.  I will cry, lash out, pout, and throw a fit like a toddler.  There is practically no reasoning with me.  I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my craving.  Truly, it is the reaction of an addict. 

As ugly as that truth is, I can say I am working on ending this cycle.  I have to end this cycle.  I want to end this cycle.  If I don't end it I will continue to eat obsessively, gain weight, destroy my health, and eventually kill myself from obesity.  No joke.  I am on "that" path.   I owe it to myself, my family, and, most importantly, my God to end this cycle.  He never created me to live in such a defeated place such as the one I am living in now.  He created me to live in the victory that Jesus already purchased for me on Calvary.  

Today, I am beginning week two of ending this insane cycle and living in the victory God intended for me.  I am far from being victorious, that will only happen when I reach Heaven, but I will one day reach a place where I have completely surrendered my food addiction to Christ and become obedient to God's will for my attitude and actions with food.  I will one day, with God's  help, no longer act on my food addiction.  Rather I will use food as its intend purpose and use God to mute those intense emotions.  I will use God to celebrate, commiserate, and tolerate.  I will begin to crave God, His presence, and our relationship more than food.  I am so excited for that day.  Until then I will praise God during the process and try to live every moment of it as He intends for me.