Our world is broken. Sex has become a big business through pornography, prostitution and sex trafficking.
- It is estimated that sex trafficking is a 32 billion dollar business.
- Estimates are, in fact, that there are about 4.5 million women and children forced, by coercion or abuse, into the sex industry today.
- Globally it is estimated that 40 million men, women and children are prostitutes.
Sex is so powerful that it is a global economic resource. We are willing to kidnap and enslave. This is not God's design. He never intended for sex to be a weapon used to keep men, women, and children in slavery to each other and sin.
I was a Jesus loving girl who didn't keep her virginity for my husband. It is a decision that I have regretted. There are times that I wish I had a Delorean time machine and could go back and choose differently but alas, I have none. I have deep regret over my decisions and there are consequences to those sins. But I serve a loving and grace-filled God who has forgiven me. I will not be filled with shame because of my past mistakes and choices and he doesn't want you to be either.
I grew up with one foot in the world and one foot in the Word. I heard from the world that it was ok to have sex with someone that you loved. Just "protect yourself from pregnancy and disease" and you would be fine. It was a way to "deepen your connection" , "draw you closer", and "express your love" (all of which are true, by the way, but just within the boundaries God has laid out). I believed a lie that everyone was having sex and if I didn't "put out" for my boyfriend someone else would and I would lose him. All of these beliefs and lies helped form my decision to have sex before marriage. I was a girl who found her worth and value in what boys thought of her and was scared to death of abandonment.
It was so confusing for me. In church and youth group, I heard how sex was a gift from God. It was to be saved for marriage. I remember being told to imagine sex was my heart and every person I had sex with would take a piece of it and pretty soon I would have nothing left for my husband. I was never told what God actually thought about sex. I was just told it was sinful and not to do it until I was married.
But what really formed my decision, was I had learned sex wasn't really a big deal. I have sexual trauma in my past, and because of it, I learned early on that my body was for other peoples' pleasure and I didn't really have control over it. I know that I am not the only one who has their sexuality trained by such trauma. Nearly 1 in 5 (18.3%) women and 1 in 71 men (1.4%) reported experiencing rape at some time in their lives. I have had the extreme privilege to work with, and know, women, men and children who have experienced sexual trauma.
One thing I know for certain, without a shadow of a doubt, is sexual trauma changes you. It changes how your body reacts. It changes how your brain thinks. It changes who you are. There will always be, no matter how much counseling you have, a "before sexual trauma" you and "after sexual trauma" you.
But here is the beautiful thing, I have grown to love the "after sexual trauma" me. She is strong. She is bold. She is vigilant. She is an advocate. She is loyal. She is beautiful. She has a voice.
There is one and only one reason why I love her so much...Jesus has redeemed her. He has, and continues to, come in to my deep soul-aching hurts and place his healing balm of recovery, acceptance, and love over them. He has held me and loved me when I was unlovable. He has forgiven me for the terrible choices I made after my assault. He has help me forgive my assailants and myself. He brings peace to me when I am restless. I can call on his name when I have flashbacks and he drives them away.
He can help heal you if you call out to him and allow him to come into your life and begin the process. He wants to hold you and wipe your tears. He wants you to come to him and let your heart cry out. He wants you to know that it isn't your fault. It was never your fault. Your sexual trauma isn't your sin. Give the sin and shame back to your assailant. It isn't yours to carry. Dear one, you are lovable and deserve love.
So what do we do? First, I believe, we seek God. We ask for forgiveness for our past sins and attitudes. We repent and begin to align ourselves with God's view of sex and sexuality. That means we need to dive into God's holy and true Word and find out what his plan and design for sex and sexuality is.
Some of us may need counseling. I did. I have been in counseling off and on for 18 years for my sexual history. Every now and then, something new that I haven't dealt with comes up and I need help working through it.
Second, we begin the discussions with our families, our friends, our churches, our leaders, our community. I do give caution. You don't have to tell everyone your story. Only tell what is safe for you to divulge. Not everyone is safe because they haven't earn your trust and that's ok. Just begin a general conversation.
How can the Church help sexual trauma survivors? How do we recover from our sexual history? What does good healthy sex look like in marriages? What do we want our kids to know? How can we reach out to sex workers?
Discussion like these can change lives. Discussions like these can begin to bring Jesus back into our sex lives.
Lord, I love you. Thank you for saving me from myself and my negative decisions and attitudes. Thank you for healing. Thank you for your forgiveness. Lord, help us become a people who embrace everyone of every sexuality and trauma and love on them. Help us show Jesus to those who have never seen him. Help us to keep shame, blame, and judgement out of our homes, churches, and communities. Make us less like ourselves and more like you. In Jesus's name, Amen.
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