Unkept Promises

The Mr. and I have a son who has "special needs."  Can I just be honest for a moment.  I don't like that phrase "special needs."  I don't even like the phrase "different needs."  Anger just boils up in me when I hear it.  Are you seriously telling me that only our kids have "special" or "different" needs?  Bologna!  We all have "special" or "different" needs.  I wish the world would quit trying to create a false norm and putting our kids on the outside of that norm.  How about they just have needs?  That's it, just needs.  His needs are different than your needs, which are different than her needs, etc.  We all have needs, period.

Ok, now that that is out of my system back to the regularly scheduled program.

Our son was diagnosed at the age of 3 with Asperger's.  At the time we were told that he was extremely intelligent, which he is, and very high functioning (in autism world this means he is "mildly" affected by autism).  We were told that while he showed signs in toddlerhood and through elementary years, if we worked hard and got him the interventions that he needed he would most likely be completely integrated and function well by middle school.  My ears and heart took that as "as long as you are a good mom, he will be fine by middle school."

Let me tell you, we are far from fine.  In fact we are struggling more now than we were 3 years ago.  I feel like I have been cheated and lied to.  Where is our "functioning well" in middle school?  Currently, he is being homeschooled because of the non acceptance by peers and behavior issues he had throughout elementary.

We did everything that they asked. I went to conference after conference to educate myself. I read 1,000s of books.  We implemented 100s of parenting techniques and therapeutic supports.  I took him to appointment after appointment for different interventions. I attended countless meeting to advocate for his needs. We saw this doctor and that doctor, this therapist and that therapist, for evals and assessments.  Literally, we have had BSCs, MTs, and TSSs in our homes for 1000s of hours since he was 3.  Our entire family has sacrificed for him.  And he isn't better.  In fact, in many areas he is worse.

Recently, we received another diagnosis.  Often with Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, as Asperger's is now referred to, it is common to see comorbidity (meaning more than one) of diagnoses.  This is his 3rd diagnosis (ASD, ADHD, and Depressive disorder).  This kiddo is 12 and has 3 diagnoses.  It is heart-breaking.  It is discouraging and extremely upsetting.

This week I have finally come to the conclusion that this is never going to end.  His struggles are never going to end.  They may look different over the years but they are never going to end.  And I am angry.    

I feel lied to and cheated. I see these other kids with Asperger's and they are functioning. They fit it.  Meanwhile, my kiddo fights off suicidal thoughts.  He doesn't really have friends. He isolates and chooses to be alone. He is angry and lashes out. He cannot function without medication and even with the medication struggles to carry out tasks on his own.  He is insensitive.  He speaks inappropriately. He cannot stay on task. He is wickedly smart but cannot focus enough to complete a 9 question quiz. He picks and picks at people to get their attention and ends up annoying the crap out of them.  In turn they begin to pick on him (he is a provoking victim). 

He just doesn't fit. He struggles in school.  He struggles at home. He struggles in the community. He is becoming anorexic (which I am trying to keep them from diagnosing him with. Does he really need another?). He cannot fall asleep for hours. I don't sleep because I have to wait for him to sleep otherwise he walks around the house, eats weird food, plays on tech until all hours of the night.  I live in fear that one day he will really hurt himself because he explodes with such self-hatred. I dread the day that we may have to finally have him in-patient. 

Social interaction, ha.  We have tried social skills groups, team sports, church functions, clubs...etc.  He struggles in all of them.  Sure you see a kid who is present and somewhat interactive, although inappropriate.  What you don't see is the 45 minute or more struggle to get him out the door.  You don't see the signs of a meltdown because we do and get him out as quickly as possible so he isn't embarrassed by his behaviors in front of you.  You don't see the arguments and tears in the back hallways as we are trying to get him back out there with the other kids.  

And please don't get me started on his obsessions.  I just can't even stand to hear one more sports fact or see even one more sports card.  I just can't even.      

You admire us because we are such involved parents, but really we would love to just stay home because we are with him all the time.  But we can't because when he has a meltdown most people can't handle him.  Heck, we can't handle him sometimes.  We have to be there or else he doesn't do well.  We have tried to let him go to things on his own and most of the time it becomes disastrous over time and even with us there it can be a struggle.  Volunteers, who are already giving up so much of their personal time and I love them for it, get frustrated because he is inattentive, inappropriate, unfocused, a discipline issue, and can be allaround difficult.  I don't blame them.  We live it daily and he can be exhausting.        

I am weary and tired. I am angry. This was not the plan. He was supposed to be better by now. I am sad and grieving for the present I thought we would have. I cannot even imagine what his future may look like. And now we have another obstacle and barrier?  Another diagnosis to learn about and cope with?  Seriously?!  

When we talk about kids like my son, we focus on the success and achievements.  I hear parents say things like, "it was really hard but so worth it when I see where she is now"  and "all the pain has brought us to this beautiful place"  and I agree.  It is really hard.  The pain can bring beauty.  But that is not what a parent who is in the middle of the hurricane of difficulty and pain wants to hear.  

We want to know that what we are feeling and grieving is not abnormal and weird.  This, sometimes, unbearable pain of watching your child struggle and lose time after time does not make us bad parents.  We need to hear that we are loved, our kids are loved and our family is accepted.  We need friends who won't get tired of hearing us talk about our kid and their struggles.  A friend who insists we leave our house even though we haven't showered in days because during our child's waking hours we can't find the time and are too exhausted to when they finally fall asleep.  A friend who lets us scream and rage because it is so dang painful, hard and exhausting to have a child like ours.  We need text messages and calls just to see how we are doing.  We need dinners when we are going through a hard time.  We need constant prayers.  We need a community to come help us parent.  We need a community to love and accept us.      

Our other children need extra doses of love and attention because we are struggling to give it to them at home because our other child takes up so much of our time.  They need playdates to get away from the house for awhile.  They need someone that will talk to them about having a sibling who takes so much from their parents and not make them feel like they are a bad kid for feeling jealous, angry and frustrated.  They need a community to love and accept them.    

We need you to educate your children about our child.  Don't know what to say to them or how to help?  Ask us.  We would be delighted to educate you.  We need you to, this is tough to swallow, make your kids include our's.  Imagine your child alone on the weekends hanging out with his parents, not getting calls to go over to friend's houses, not hanging out with a group of kids during the football games but insteading walking around by himself.  Heartbreaking isn't it, but it is what we see weekend after weekend after weekend.  

When they aren't included, it becomes incredibly hard for us to teach our child appropriate social skills.  They need to be involved in relationships other than just familial.  It is important to realize that although they are in a corner by themselves acting like they don't want anyone around, many times they are craving interactions but don't know how to ask for it.  So go.  Go ask them what they need.  They may not be able to verbalize it.  You may need to just sit quietly with them so they aren't alone.  They need a community to love and accept them just as they are.       

I know God chose me to be my son's mother.  I know I am the best mom for him.  I know Jesus loves me and my son.  I know I can do this with God's help and strength.  I know all these things in the deepest most secretive places of my heart.  I remind myself of them hourly, somedays minutely.  I hold on to these truths for my life and rest in them.  

I am thankful I serve a God who doesn't make mistakes because the way my son's brain works is not a fluke and mistake.  God carefully and lovingly created him just the way that he is.  I may not understand why but that doesn't matter because my Almighty Father does.  My children are a blessing to me.  My hardest and roughest days do not shake my thankfulness and knowledge of God's love and goodness.  They can't, because if they do, I have nothing to stand on.  I refuse to dwell on my feelings.  That is a dangerous slippery slope for me.  

Sure I question God.  Sure I get angry at God.  Sure I cry and yell at Him.  But my Lord can handle it.  When I am done throwing my temper tantrum he grabs me up, wipes my tears and hugs me.  He strengthens me and I go back out there and parent some more.    

However, all that being said, that doesn't let you, our community, off the hook.  We still need you.  Ever wonder why you know us?  Maybe because you are supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus to us?  Maybe Jesus designed you to be our cup of cool water?  

There are 10s of 1,000s of families just like ours all over this world.  The statistics of individuals with autism, ADHD and depression, just to name a few, are staggering.  I can only speak my family's personal truth but I know enough families to know that we all need a community.  We all want our children to be loved and supported.  We all want to be accepted.  We all need you.         

  

Community Table

5 weeks ago I broke out of my comfort zone and joined a book club.  It was hosted by a woman I met through social media and would occasionally see in our community and speak to briefly.  I knew that I would virtually know no one else in the book club but I needed some good quality girl time.  This may seem like something a normal middle-age woman would do, but not me.  While I love books and all things that have to do with books, I am not one for putting myself in situations where I did not already have established relationships.  This book club scared the heck out of me and I decided that is exactly why I needed to join.  Well that and I had been starving for connection since the beginning of this school year.   

At the end of last school year we decided, as a family,  to homeschool our middle schooler.  I am the primary learning aide during the days.  I left my job in June and became a stay-at-home mom again.  My days are filled with, whining, back talk, hormones, sighing and eye rolling (lots of sighing and eye rolling), school books, gym equipment, chauffeuring, making about 1,000 meals a day, teaching, and mothering.  I was burning out and needed refreshment.  I was hoping this book club would help me continue on for the remainder of the week without causing bodily harm to one of my people.  

The first night as I was driving 1/2 hour from my house to this book club I was riddled with fear, anxiety and doubt.  I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted.  I was anxious and hyper aware that I was heavier than I have ever been in my life (including my pregnancies).  I was doubtful that this would help ease my ache for connection.  I stood on the street, hoping I was about to walk into the correct house and took a deep breath.  

What I walked into was love...literally.  Before I could even blink ladies were hugging me and greeting me.  All the walls I had erected during my drive began to crumble and that evening I was opening up and the full "Tory" came out.  I ate, laughed, got teary, and felt a connection with ladies, who for all intents and purposes, were strangers.  I already couldn't wait for the following week before I even left that evening.  And the book...well let me tell you it is life-changing.  I mean honest to goodness, real life, for realz, life-changing.  "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker, whom is now my all time favorite author and girl crush, is one of the best books I have read in a long time.  I recommend it to everyone I meet.  Weeks later I am still marinating and being challenged by its contents. 

This week we concluded our book club with a dinner, as suggested by Mrs. Hatmaker.  It was beautiful.  We talked about our husbands, our pregnancies, our extended families, childhoods, our struggles.  We ate, laughed, and cried together.  We created a community over my table.  I was so blessed and challenged.  I was refreshed and rode the high of authentic interaction through the next day and the next.       

As I type that phrase "authentic interaction" I am wrapped up in its meaning.  I know it is what God desires of our relationships.  I wonder why it is so hard for us to achieve.  I have few, stressing the word "few", individuals I feel I can be authentic with.  They have hung in there with me.  They have loved me when I didn't, or couldn't, love them or myself.  They have seen my darkness and remained.  They haven't given up on me nor have I given up on them.  Normally, this takes years for me to accomplish, but with this book club we were real and authentic on day one.  

The home we meet in was literally dripping with prayer and the Holy Spirit.  Their presence hung heavy in the air.  Our experience had been prayed over prior to us entering the home, throughout our stay and after.  

I have begun to challenge myself with prayer.  I want to pray before my interactions to remove the fear of rejection and abandonment and replace it with honesty and realness.  I am trying to pray my way through, to hang in there and not tune out when I am feeling exposed, uncomfortable and challenged.  I need prayers after for continued connection, to step out of my bubble to meet others where they are and to reduce my anxiety.

We came with the expectation of grace and acceptance and found it over a table.  We broke bread together just as Jesus did with his disciples.  We shared our love through the food we painstakingly prepared, or in my case (because it was "off the beam") bought, for one another.  

I challenge you to invite someone to your table.  Invite that lady you have been admiring from afar because you think she has it all together.  Invite the widow you see in your church always alone.  Invite the family that is loud and has children running all over the place.  

Why?  Because I am convicted we need less financial donations and more time donations.  We need to pour into each other, thus pouring into ourselves.  We need to care for the widows and orphans as God calls us to.  We need to have relationships with people before we preach to them.  I am convinced we have to have established trust before we hold others accountable.  We need to love, period.  Love.  It's how Jesus did it.  Love.  It is is who God is.  And I believe, wholeheartedly, real authentic love and relationships can happen over a table filled with wine and food.  It is time we change the family table to the community table.    

I can't wait to hear about your experiences.  Please comment below and tell me your experience with real authentic connections over your community table.  

Sex Part 2

After much prayer and thought, I think the best way to continue to address this subject is my own personal truth.  From my own truth, I can speak about sin and the grace and love of God.  Hear me when I tell you, Jesus can heal deep soul-aching hurts caused from sexual sin by and against you.

Our world is broken.  Sex has become a big business through pornography, prostitution and sex trafficking.

• It is estimated that sex trafficking is a 32 billion dollar business.  
• Estimates are, in fact, that there are about 4.5 million women and children forced, by coercion or abuse, into the sex industry today.
• Globally it is estimated that 40 million men, women and children are prostitutes.  

(Statistics from theexodusroad.com)

Sex is so powerful that it is a global economic resource.  We are willing to kidnap and enslave.  This is not God's design.  He never intended for sex to be a weapon used to keep men, women, and children in slavery to each other and sin.

I was a Jesus loving girl who didn't keep her virginity for my husband.  It is a decision that I have regretted.  There are times that I wish I had a Delorean time machine and could go back and choose differently but alas, I have none.  I have deep regret over my decisions and there are consequences to those sins.  But I serve a loving and grace-filled God who has forgiven me.  I will not be filled with shame because of my past mistakes and choices and he doesn't want you to be either.

I grew up with one foot in the world and one foot in the Word.  I heard from the world that it was ok to have sex with someone that you loved.  Just "protect yourself from pregnancy and disease" and you would be fine.  It was a way to "deepen your connection" , "draw you closer", and "express your love" (all of which are true, by the way, but just within the boundaries God has laid out).   I believed a lie that everyone was having sex and if I didn't "put out" for my boyfriend someone else would and I would lose him.  All of these beliefs and lies helped form my decision to have sex before marriage. I was  a girl who found her worth and value in what boys thought of her and was scared to death of abandonment.  

It was so confusing for me.  In church and youth group,  I heard how sex was a gift from God.  It was to be saved for marriage.  I remember being told to imagine sex was my heart and every person I had sex with would take a piece of it and pretty soon I would have nothing left for my husband.  I was never told what God actually thought about sex.  I was just told it was sinful and not to do it until I was married.

But what really formed my decision, was I had learned sex wasn't really a big deal.  I have sexual trauma in my past, and because of it,  I learned early on that my body was for other peoples' pleasure and I didn't really have control over it.  I know that I am not the only one who has their sexuality trained by such trauma.  Nearly 1 in 5 (18.3%) women and 1 in 71 men (1.4%) reported experiencing rape at some time in their lives.   I have had the extreme privilege to work with, and know, women, men and children who have experienced sexual trauma.

One thing I know for certain, without a shadow of a doubt, is sexual trauma changes you.  It changes how your body reacts.  It changes how your brain thinks.  It changes who you are.  There will always be, no matter how much counseling you have, a "before sexual trauma" you and "after sexual trauma" you.

But here is the beautiful thing, I have grown to love the "after sexual trauma" me.  She is strong.  She is bold.  She is vigilant.  She is an advocate.  She is loyal.  She is beautiful.  She has a voice.

There is one and only one reason why I love her so much...Jesus has redeemed her.  He has, and continues to, come in to my deep soul-aching hurts and place his healing balm of recovery, acceptance, and love over them.  He has held me and loved me when I was unlovable.  He has forgiven me for the terrible choices I made after my assault.  He has help me forgive my assailants and myself.  He brings peace to me when I am restless.  I can call on his name when I have flashbacks and he drives them away.  

He can help heal you if you call out to him and allow him to come into your life and begin the process.  He wants to hold you and wipe your tears.  He wants you to come to him and let your heart cry out.  He wants you to know that it isn't your fault.  It was never your fault.  Your sexual trauma isn't your sin.  Give the sin and shame back to your assailant.  It isn't yours to carry.  Dear one, you are lovable and deserve love.

So what do we do?  First, I believe, we seek God.  We ask for forgiveness for our past sins and attitudes.  We repent and begin to align ourselves with God's view of sex and sexuality.  That means we need to dive into God's holy and true Word and find out what his plan and design for sex and sexuality is.

Some of us may need counseling.  I did.  I have been in counseling off and on for 18 years for my sexual history.  Every now and then, something new that I haven't dealt with comes up and I need help working through it.

Second, we begin the discussions with our families, our friends, our churches, our leaders, our community.  I do give caution.  You don't have to tell everyone your story.  Only tell what is safe for you to divulge.  Not everyone is safe because they haven't earn your trust and that's ok.  Just begin a general conversation.

How can the Church help sexual trauma survivors?  How do we recover from our sexual history?  What does good healthy sex look like in marriages?  What do we want our kids to know?  How can we reach out to sex workers?

Discussion like these can change lives.  Discussions like these can begin to bring Jesus back into our sex lives.

Lord, I love you.  Thank you for saving me from myself and my negative decisions and attitudes.  Thank you for healing.  Thank you for your forgiveness.  Lord, help us become a people who embrace everyone of every sexuality and trauma and love on them.  Help us show Jesus to those who have never seen him.  Help us to keep shame, blame, and judgement out of our homes, churches, and communities.  Make us less like ourselves and more like you.  In Jesus's name, Amen.