1 Peter 5:7-8a

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert."  

1 Peter 5:7-8a

During week 2 of the M2C study that I am doing,  1 Peter 5:7-8a was our power verse for the week.  When I read the word "anxiety" I knew this verse needed to be in my arsenal of heart verses. I fight off anxiety nearly every hour.  

I have anxiety over food.  Yes, I have major anxiety over my food.  What to eat, how to prepare it, where to get it, why I am eating it, when to eat it...you get the idea.  But I knew that God was dealing with more than just my food anxieties.  He wanted me to control my anxieties over my house, my children, my husband, my extended family, work, my clients, what I should say to someone and how my words will/are perceived, how my actions affect others, if others are mad at me...anxiety can control my life if I allow it.  

As I began to tick off these anxieties I was faced with a cold hard truth...they were all about ME.  Nothing I was anxious of was about God or His desires for me or His other children.  I was selfishly anxious.  For me, anxiety is a sin.  I am obsessing selfishly over myself.  I need to end my anxiety.     

According to the Webster Dictionary "anxiety" is defined as

"1

a :  painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill

b :  fearful concern or interest

c :  a cause of anxiety

2

:  an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it"

Oh boy do I see myself here, especially in the "self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it." portion.  I am plagued with self-doubt which is, of course, why I can obsess and worry over things.  Again, I am selfish.  After admitting I was selfish and asking for forgiveness, I knew I needed to get a handle on my self-doubt.  I had to release my self-doubts to God.  

If I began to not lean on Tory (get rid of the selfish control), but follow God's will for my life (give God control), I could begin to release my self-doubts.  I am beginning to feel some assurance this week as I release myself to God and ask for His power to complete my journeys.  

I am pretty sure that if He could create the entire universe He can help me complete whatever little task I have.   And that is the exact perspective I need to have right now.  My tasks are "little" when you compare them to what God has His hand in every second of every day.  I am charged with changing my attitudes, actions, and beliefs about food, and setting a good example of a healthy relationship  with food for my children to witness and learn from.  But when I say that aloud it doesn't feel so little.  Here's some hope and praise for God.  If I keep asking he will give me power.  I am talking, raising Jesus from the dead,  power.  (Eph 1:19-20)  I can totally conquer these selfish anxieties with THAT kind of power.  

Here is the Tory version of 1 Peter 5:7-8a.  

Tory, give God all, not some or a little and don't take it back, give all, of your fears, uneasinesses, apprehensions, doubts and self-doubt to God because He favors, adores, delights in, enjoys, covets, cherishes, treasures, values, notices, observes, and yes, CRAVES you, Tory.  Ask for God's power, the raising Jesus from the dead supernatural power that you have available to you if you ask Him and keep asking, and receive it, embody it, accept it, expect it, to control your actions, impulses, and emotions.  Pay close attention to the approaching danger and/or opportunities that are coming your way.  

Danger? What danger?  The second half of 1 Peter 5:8b tells us my "opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he look for someone to devour."  

For me it is a "get control of your eating or be eaten by the devil" deal.  Or "give God your _______ or be eaten by the devil" as I deal with different situations and issues daily.  Personally, being swallowed by Satan doesn't sound like a fun time.  I guess that means I better get my behind in gear and get to becoming self-controlled.  Otherwise I will be delighting the devil and not my God.  

"Oh chocolate cake, you look so tasty."  

"Yeah, if you want to delight the devil it does."  

That definitely puts it in a new perspective.  

Father, thank you so much for revealing these truths to me in Your Word.  God, seal them in my heart and mind.  Keep them there, never to waiver, so I can live for You and not for the enemy.  Help me to gain self-control over my thoughts, actions, attitudes and emotions.  Give me Your supernatural power to choose Your way and not the enemy and the world's ways.  Help me to want to make the decisions that You desire.  Forgive my selfishness and anxieties.  Forgive that I was more concerned for myself than for You.  Help me to have a God-centered view and forget about myself and my desires.  I give my life to You and all that I do for Your glory.  Use it as You want for Your good.  Amen.    

"But God..."

"But I think a broom would would work better!"

"Would you please listen to me.  I know the best way to clean it up."

This was a conversation that I had today with my son.  He had spilled waxed from his wall warmer on his floor.  Although it was an accident I was being the worst mom ever and making him clean it up.  However, I wasn't making him clean it up all by himself.  I was trying to guide him to show him how to clean up the wax in the easiest, most effective way.  

He was not having it.  He had his own idea how to best clean it up and he wanted to do it his way.  I was getting so frustrated with him and just want to yell at him, "Shut up and do it MY way!!!!!!!!"  But I knew that would have been way out of line and unproductive.  So instead I explained why my way was the best and encouraged him to just try it.

Then it hit me.  This is how God must feel with me.  Time after time, God encourages me to do it His way.  He continues to guide me and explain to me how best to do things.  He never loses patience with me and always is beside me, never leaving me to do it myself, even though I made the mess.  All the while I am stamping my feet and saying, "But God, I want to do it MY way!!!"

Which leads me to another conversation I had with one of my children today.  

I made the best healthy version of chicken parm ever known to man with a delicious fresh salad...and she hated it.  UGH!!  I can't help to take it personal because I take some much time and effort cooking a healthy meal and she hates it.  Truly, she has her mother's tastebuds.  "It just doesn't taste good, " she says.   

As I hear things like, "But I am only a kid, why can't I have a treat?",  or "I got an A on my test! Can we celebrate with cake tonight?", or "Mommy, can I have some ice cream?  I am having a really bad day." my heart sinks.  Those are my words.  I taught her those associations with food.  I have helped my daughter begin an unhealthy relationship with food.  

Tonight I had to privately apologize to her for teaching her the beginnings of food issues.  I asked her to allow me to teach her how to eat correctly and use food as God designed for us.  We decided our family will begin to add, "Lord, please help us like the healthy food we are eating today.  Help change our tastebuds." to our meal prayers.  

And just like that I, again, had the realization of how the Lord feels towards me.  Although, He did not teach me to eat unhealthy or misuse food, He is graciously coming beside me and saying, "Let me help you learn how to eat and use food correctly."  I am so grateful God shows me in ways that I can recognize and learn from.  I am so blessed that my heart's eyes are opening to His truths and lessons.  

Father, forgive me for teaching my children unhealthy eating habits.  Lord, I pray you protect them from my food issues and allow them to have a healthy relationship with food.  Lord, help to change our tastebuds minds and want to eat healthy.  Change our hearts to be in line with Your plans and ways.  Thank you for loving me and guiding me with grace.  Thank you for all the progress I am making with Your strength and guidance.  You are the source of my victories.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.     

The Cycle

There is a cycle to practically everything.  There is a water cycle, life cycle, cycle of abuse...you get the picture.  For me there is a food cycle. 

First, I feel an emotion.  Any strong emotion will do.  Sadness, anger, happiness, boredom, love, loneliness...you get the picture.  The crazy thing with emotions is I am not totally comfortable feeling them.  So I eat to mute those emotions.  I use food to celebrate, commiserate,  and tolerate.  After I eat,  I feel guilt, shame and self-hatred.  Those emotions are huge triggers for me so I eat again to mute those emotions,  which food does...for a while.  Then I feel another intense emotion and the cycle begins again. 

Some have said to me, "Well, just do something else at those times." or "Think about what you want in the long run."  To be honest, being thin or healthy is not as important as the food I am craving to mute the emotion is.  I will obsess over my craving.  I will think about it until I get it.  If I can't have it for some reason, I will get mad and angry, which is an intense emotion so I obsess even more over the craving.  I will cry, lash out, pout, and throw a fit like a toddler.  There is practically no reasoning with me.  I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my craving.  Truly, it is the reaction of an addict. 

As ugly as that truth is, I can say I am working on ending this cycle.  I have to end this cycle.  I want to end this cycle.  If I don't end it I will continue to eat obsessively, gain weight, destroy my health, and eventually kill myself from obesity.  No joke.  I am on "that" path.   I owe it to myself, my family, and, most importantly, my God to end this cycle.  He never created me to live in such a defeated place such as the one I am living in now.  He created me to live in the victory that Jesus already purchased for me on Calvary.  

Today, I am beginning week two of ending this insane cycle and living in the victory God intended for me.  I am far from being victorious, that will only happen when I reach Heaven, but I will one day reach a place where I have completely surrendered my food addiction to Christ and become obedient to God's will for my attitude and actions with food.  I will one day, with God's  help, no longer act on my food addiction.  Rather I will use food as its intend purpose and use God to mute those intense emotions.  I will use God to celebrate, commiserate, and tolerate.  I will begin to crave God, His presence, and our relationship more than food.  I am so excited for that day.  Until then I will praise God during the process and try to live every moment of it as He intends for me. 

Secrets

Secrets can be so much fun.  I love planning a surprise party.  I have such a hard time not spilling the beans to the person that I am planning the party for.  Just ask my husband, Brian.  He can always tell when I am up to something.  It is written all over my face.  

I have found, more often than not,  secrets are not fun, rather they are painful and destructive.  And, just like the fun secrets, they are written all over my face, or should I say my body.  Here is the hard truth...I eat in secret.  I eat because of secrets.  I eat to keep my secrets and protect myself.  Some days I feel that if I don't fill my mouth with food the secrets will come spilling out.  Know the feeling?  

Keeping those secrets have allowed me to continue to believe that I do not deserve the grace God has to offer to me.  I don't deserve to live in the freedom Jesus paid for with His blood.  I don't deserve to become who God has created me to be.  Those secrets have kept me shacked to my past and not allowed me to live in the present that Christ is providing for me.  I will no longer keep my secrets.  

Now I am not going to get all crazy and long onto Facebook and spill the beans about my secrets.  However, what I am going to do is admit to Jesus what He already knows and allow His sweet love and spirit to heal me from the damage of keeping those secrets.  I am not going to feed those secrets with food anymore.  I am going to diminish my secrets with God's word, worship, and praise.  I am going to dance and raise my hands to the One who deserves all the praise.  Will you join me? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svRqFGJ-aC0

Permissible But Not Beneficial

"Everything is permissible -but not everything permissible is beneficial."  1 Corinthians 10:23

As I wrote this verse on the refrigerator, Brian, my husband, "humphed".  In our family the "humphed" sound usually means that the Holy Spirit just convicted you about something.  Lately around our home there has been quite a bit of "humphed" sounds...usually by me.  

This verse has really stuck with me.  I am using it to come to a victory place with food.  But as I have been discovering lately it is about so much more than food for me.  One particular topic, my choices in television, has really hit home.  

I have a confession.  I love those crazy reality shows.  I particularly, love the housewives ones.  I am appalled at their behavior but I watch every episode of every single franchise.  Somehow watching someone else act this way fulfills something in me.  I think it is the enjoyment of watching someone act the way I sometimes wish I could act.  You know what I mean.  Someone is really mean to you and you just want to tell them exactly what you think about them but you don't.  On these shows they do...oh boy do they. These shows are permissible ...right?  

For a moment forget about the permissible.  What about the "beneficial" part?  Here is where 1 Corinthians 10:23 speaks to this type of television.  What benefit is it to me?  This week I had to get honest and admit that these shows, and others like it, are in no way beneficial to me.  In fact they are harmful.  They are normalizing this type of behavior to me, to my family, to our society and culture.  In no way are these reality shows the root issues of the problems of our society but they do help to normalize this type of misbehavior.  

Think about it.  If you continue to see violence everyday as part of your day, what does another murder do to your mind.  In all honest, in the beginning it would probably be shocking at first.  But after years of this, another murder on another day wouldn't even phase you.  It is the same thing with unGod-like behavior.  If you continue to see others tearing each other down, calling names, gossiping, carrying out revenge, lying, being disrespectful, and even acting violently towards each other, what does that do to our minds? At first, you watch it and are appalled by it.  But after a while you begin to adopt those attitudes yourself.  At least I did.

I began to gossip about other women.  I began to tear others down and mistreating them.  I began to swear more and call names.  I began to be disrespectful to others.  UGH, I HATE admitting these truths but I can't deny them.  They are truths in my life.  I am ashamed of my behaviors.  I can't blame the television shows.  I chose these actions.  But as the song says, "garbage in-gargabe out."  And that is exactly what was happening to me.  I am now day 5 free of these television shows and regretful of the time I wasted on them in the past.  Thankfully, I serve a God who is forgiving.  Now I just need to feed myself with the goodness that God wants so desperately to fill me with to undo the damage I allowed by watching these television shows.  

How in the heck does this relate to food you are probably wondering.  For me I have discovered in this week that food is the same as bad television.  The more bad food I put into my body, the more bad food I crave.  The more "normal" bad food becomes and the bigger I get.  Remember, "garbage in-garbage out."  I have turned this beautiful, God-created body into a garbage dump.  UGH!  That is another one of those uncomfortable truths.  Now I am challenged to turn it back into the beautiful, God-created body, He meant for it to be.  

I am still trying to figure out how to do that.  I am in prayer.  I don't exactly know what that means for me.  Do I give up all processed sugar or do I never eat another carb?  Do I just count calories and cut nothing?  I really don't know.  What I do know is I need to find out what God wants me to do.  I have decided to take this decision to God in prayer.  I don't want to make another Tory decision in my own will.  I want what God wants for me.  Can I ask that you too pray for me and this decision?     

The Beginning

This is it.  This is the beginning of my journey conquering my food issues.  I suppose I should name it for what it is...I have food addiction issues.  Ok, so obviously I am not ready to lose the "issues" part.  But it is just the beginning, right?  

I have began this journey with the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst.  I bought this book almost a year ago with the conviction to begin conquering food.  Let me be honest with you, I never made it past chapter 2 before I stopped reading it.  Every word in this book was hitting to close to home and I decided that I wasn't ready to do this just yet.  I put the book in my briefcase, just in case I had time to read it during my crazy days, and never opened it again.  In December my husband was teasing me that I had the whole world in my briefcase so I decided to clean it out.  I found the book and placed it on top of my dresser.  On Saturday, January 18, 2014, I was perusing Proverbs 31 website and saw that they were starting an online Bible Study for "Made to Crave."  That was it.  It finally clicked.  I was going to do this.

I had already titled 2014 as my year to overcome.  I was telling the kids this was the year that we were going to overcome our issues and get closer to God.  We were going to finally get to the place in our personal relationships with God, ourselves, and others that we have longed to have.  For my son this meant he at 10, almost 11, was finally going to learn to swim.  For me it meant I was finally going to claim victory over food.  My husband and daughter aren't sure where this year of "overcoming" is taking them yet.  But hey, they have a whole year to figure out what God wants them to overcome.  

So that is how I decided to do this study.  How could I not do this?  It would seem very hypocritical.  Besides I already had the book.  Or so I thought.  

Sunday came, the day before the first day of the study, and I can't find the book.  The same book that has traveled for months with me in my briefcase.  The same book that just last month I placed on top of my dresser.  The same book that if you asked me where it was anytime in the last 10 months or so I could tell you exactly where it was AND it would be there.  However, today it couldn't be found. 

I was freaking out.  I employed my husband to help me find it.  No way was I going to buy another book or not do this study.  I had already declared to my family that I was going to do this.  I had to be an example of "overcoming".  AHHHHH!  Where in the heck is that book?  

In the midst of the 2 hour search I began to well up with tears.  I needed this book.  I couldn't take one more day of the same old same old.  I needed freedom from food.  I told Brian, my husband, that I thought the devil was trying to keep me from the greatness I was going to achieve by doing this study.  Brian found my kindle charger that had been lost for 4 months and said, "Buy it on kindle.  Don't let the devil defeat you."  Wouldn't you know that the first recommended book on my kindle app page was "Made to Crave"!  God was at work.  

So here I am on Thursday and still not sure if I can do this.  I am learning a lot of icky truths about myself that I am embarrassed about and unsure if I want to face.  But here is the glory.  God is speaking to me.  I am learning about those icky truths.  I AM facing them.  I am far from victory over food but I am beginning the journey to overcoming food.  And I am grateful.  I am grateful that I have this thorn.  Without food, I am unsure if I would be as broken as I am now and if I would be reaching out to God as I am now.  

So I ask you, what is it that God wants you to overcome in 2014?  What has He been convicting you about?  

I am going to continue this blog as I walk with God in this Bible study.  I hope that it is an encouragement to you and others.  I encourage your accountability.  I ask for your prayers and encouragement throughout this journey.  Please know that I will be praying for you.