Beneficial

Beneficial.  This week in my M2C study I have been mulling over the word, "beneficial."  To be honest with you, it is a tough concept for me to fully grasp.  I get that it isn't beneficial for me to put my hand on the stove.  I also understand that it is beneficial for me to exercise, even though I don't want to.  But putting "beneficial" with food, now that is where the confusion starts to come in.  

I can honestly say that before God began dealing with me about my food issues, I thought most food was beneficial.  It played a needed role in my life.  It was beneficial for me to eat fast food because I am a super busy working mom that rarely has time to make dinner.  Even when I do make dinner, more likely than not, most of the people at the table don't like it.  Fast food is easy, quick and everyone can get what they will like.  

But if I was really being honest with myself, it was playing a much deeper role in my life.  Fast food, with all it's fat, calories, and grease sounds gross, but to me it was soul filling deliciousness.  If someone hurt my feelings, fast food would make me feel better for a bit.  If my kids were making me crazy, that burger with cheese helped me relax.  If I wasn't feeling well, those salty french fries helped heal me.  I was using fast food like a drug, pure and simple.  

So while not being healthy for me fast food was a benefit, right?  In the short term, yes.  It was helping me cope with and mute my feelings.  In the long run, no.  I was using it to prevent myself from  dealing with my feelings, making healthier choices, and above all other reasons, I was using fast food as a god.  

Gulp!  

That is tough to say, but sadly, true.  Instead of going to God with my problems I was going to fast food.

So beneficial?  Now, today, I can say in no way is it beneficial for me.  Actually, fast food is harmful because I allow it to get in-between God any myself.  I serve it, rather than it serves me.  I turn to it instead of turn to my Savior.  

So what are more beneficial things I can chose.  I can chose to no longer use food as a coping mechanism and instead use prayer.  I can call a friend when I need an ear.  I can read some scripture and get some real soul food.  I can cry out and let the Holy Spirit intercede on my behalf.  I can chose to go for a walk or run.  All those choices are beneficial to me.  They deepen my relationships with God and others and improve my overall health.  Are they my "go to" choices?  No, not yet.  I still  have to consciously decided not to eat and make one of the above choices instead, but I have hope that one day they will become my "go to" choices.

Beneficial.  I am on my way.  God is opening my eyes to the beneficial things in life.  And for that, I am grateful.  

Peace

During this week of the M2C Bible study we are encouraged to be at peace with our bodies.   For the most part I have never been at peace with my body.  When I was pregnant I loved my body.  I loved the roundness of my belly and the fullness of my body.  I was content and at peace with myself.  Before and after pregnancy, not so at peace with myself.  

I was not always overweight.  The tragic part is that even though I was a normal weight, I thought I was huge.  I hated my body and they way it looked.  I was self-conscious of my stomach, legs, arms, practically every inch of myself.  I was constantly dieting to become thinner and then binging to ease the pain of self-hatred.  

When I was 21 I met my future husband and sweetheart.   The best part about him, besides his sense of humor and gorgeous huskiness, was that he loved me.  He didn't care about my stomach, or legs, or arms.  He loved me.  I quit dieting but the binging to ease the pain of self-hatred never stopped.  I began to gain weight.  And quiet honestly, besides losing the weight twice without being to keep it off, here I am 15 years later and still overweight and I can definitely say, not at peace with my body.  

I want to be at peace with my body.  I truly do.  I no longer wish to hate my appearance.  I dread looking in the mirror or getting dressed.  Every morning is an emotional olympic event to be ok enough with myself to leave the house.  I can't wait until I begin to believe about me what God believes about me. 

So how am I doing it?  I am reading the Bible everyday.  I am learning about who God thinks I am.  I am working on loving myself and being at peace with who I am.  I am not there yet but I am not about to allow the next 15 years of my life to be ruled by self-hatred.  

I believe that if my hearts desire is to become who God wants me to be than I will begin to become that woman as I begin to allow Him to change me.  I believe that if I truly want to find peace with my body I must gain proper perspective.  I must begin to see myself as God sees me.  I must begin to celebrate how God created me.  I must begin love myself.  I must release the lies I have told myself for 36 years and learn the truths about how I am.  

Lord, thank you for the way you created my body.  Thank you for every part and particle of who I am.  Thank you for my stomach, legs, and arms.  They have served You well.  They have carried 2 children.  They have prepared hundreds of meals for my family.  They have walked the floors when my children called me.  They have served Your church.  And they have served my community.  Help me love see myself as You see me.  Help me to love myself as You love me.  Father, help me to be at peace with this creation that is called Tory.   

An attack

Yesterday was one of those days that I just want to crawl back into the pit God lifted me out of and say, "Really, God, I am fine here.  You don't need to lift me back out of here.  It is actually comfy.  Thanks anyway."

I was under some seriously soul attack from the enemy.  He was flinging his poisonous arrows at me and I was so weak and tired that I was having a hard time blocking them.  I was vulnerable to his attack and he knew it.  Not only did he know it but he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and using it to try to defeat me.

All I could do was cry, literally, out to God and pray.

"God I hate myself.  Why do I have to feel like this.  Why do I instantly want to react in this way?"
"But I love you.  You aren't allowing your feeling to control you.  You are turning to Me instead.  You are suppressing your reactions and turning your heart to Me."

"But I still feel like I want to.  I still feel unworthy, unloved, not good enough, weak, discarded, misunderstood, fat, hated, undesirable."
"You're right.  You are unloved and hated.  You are unloved by Satan and hated because you are choosing Me.  However, I love you.  I don't hate you.  My Son gave you worth.  You have a place in My Kingdom.  In your weakness is where My strength lies.  You have been adopted by Me and I know all your thoughts, even before you do.  I knew you before the world knew you.  You are changing your body by turning your heart to Me.  I desire you and desire to have a deep relationship with you.  You are My child.  Tory, you are Mine."

"God, I just want rest.  Will you give me rest."
"Come here in My lap and I will give you ample rest."

I can tell you I stilled struggled.  I had this conversation over and over with God yesterday.  However, I refused to allow Satan to devour me.  I reached out to God for comfort, my husband for support, and friends for prayers.  I didn't give in and would not allow defeat, instead I focused on this verse.

"We demolish arguments and every prevention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive very thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

It was hard.  I struggled and cried.  I battled yesterday.  But I refused to give in.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to.  It would have been easier to give in...in the short run.  But what would that have done to me in the long run...guilt, shame, embarrassment.  All of these emotions lead me to overeat and sin.

No thank you, Satan.  I will choose God and His truths.  Not you and your lies.  My thoughts will become captives and will become obedient to Christ.  Your poisonious arrows of words do not hold up to God's truth.  You can go away now.  You are not welcome here.