My poor children never get any slack when they are sick. I am notorious for saying things like, "Push through", "Just because your sick doesn't mean that the world stops", and "If you don't feel well, go lay down and stop infecting the rest of us." I don't mean to be unempathic when someone is sick and actually I am very empathic when you are ill. I feel terrible that you feel terrible, really I do. I just am not a good nurse. I enjoy taking care of people in many ways, but nursing is not one of them.
If you want someone to help you advocate on your child's behalf at a school meeting...I'm your girl. Need your oil changed...keep walking. If you want to discuss the symbolism in "The Old Man and the Sea"...yoo-hoo, over here. Need help with your physics homework...next, please. You need a recipe for tonight's dinner...yep, I can help with that. Need a bullnose plane...I have no idea what you are talking about. Want advice about navigating the system for you child with special needs...pick me!! Want someone to vent to and laugh with over coffee...when do you want me there?
What I'm trying to say is, there are thing I am really good at and things I really suck at. Learning and accepting my strengths and weaknesses has been a blessing with age. As I have gotten older I am beginning, notice I said "beginning", to feel less pressure to be perfect at everything. Age has given me some perspective that I cannot be, nor do I want to be, everything to my people. I cannot possibly be expected to teach my children everything that they need to know to be honest, loving, empathic, and productive adults. That is one of the reasons we have begun to strategically put other adults in their lives. I don't want to be the be-all end-all to my husband, which is why it is important for him to have other friends.
Honestly, I think it is rather prideful and arrogant to think that God created me to be everything to all those around me. In the past, I tried to do just that. Eventually, I became exhausted and bitter because I was doing everything for everyone. I had to get honest with myself and realize I created that maddening nightmare myself and I only had myself to be angry with. I needed to change. I had to get real about who I was and what areas I excelled and blundered in. I had to make space in my life for others, who I trusted, to come in and fill in the gaps. But more importantly, I had to make space for God.
God excels at being God. He wants to come and fill in our gaps and when we acknowledge we can't control everything or do it all, we make space for him to come in and do just that. If we are busy being God than what do we need him for? We can't expect Jesus to come rescue us if we aren't giving him space to do his work. But that was exactly what I was doing. I was trying to be God to everyone around me. Even worse, I realized I was teaching my children that they didn't need God because Mom is the one who is the savior, not Jesus.
Can I guide them, help them and teach them? Absolutely. But to whom am I guiding them to? To whom am I telling them should be their first stop for help? To whom am I leading them to get advice from first? It shouldn't be me. It should be the the real Savior, Jesus. I want them to go to Jesus with their hurts and failures first. I want them to look in the Bible and talk to God about what to do in their lives before coming to me and getting my advice. I want them to rely on the only totally and completely reliable resource, their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And the first way I can do that is to rely on Jesus first myself. I need to lead by example.
I am a terrible nurse but Jesus is the Great Physician. And lucky for my people, Jesus can also give me a extra dose of grace to deal with them and their infectious diseases. Oh crap, was that someone sneezing?
Thank you for my beautiful friends and family, who you have given me, to help fill in my gaps. Thank you for being my Savior. There are none who are better at being God then you. It is your rightful place, not mine. Lord, forgive me for trying to be God. I confess, that I am terrible at being everything to everyone. You didn't create me to do this. Please Lord, remove my pridefulness and arrogance and replace it with humility and the need and will to seek you. I pray that my children, and their children for generations, will seek your face and guidance all the days of their lives. I pray that my legacy with be one of humbleness and grace. I love you Jesus. It is in your name, the name above all other names, that I pray...amen.
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