An attack

Yesterday was one of those days that I just want to crawl back into the pit God lifted me out of and say, "Really, God, I am fine here.  You don't need to lift me back out of here.  It is actually comfy.  Thanks anyway."

I was under some seriously soul attack from the enemy.  He was flinging his poisonous arrows at me and I was so weak and tired that I was having a hard time blocking them.  I was vulnerable to his attack and he knew it.  Not only did he know it but he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and using it to try to defeat me.

All I could do was cry, literally, out to God and pray.

"God I hate myself.  Why do I have to feel like this.  Why do I instantly want to react in this way?"
"But I love you.  You aren't allowing your feeling to control you.  You are turning to Me instead.  You are suppressing your reactions and turning your heart to Me."

"But I still feel like I want to.  I still feel unworthy, unloved, not good enough, weak, discarded, misunderstood, fat, hated, undesirable."
"You're right.  You are unloved and hated.  You are unloved by Satan and hated because you are choosing Me.  However, I love you.  I don't hate you.  My Son gave you worth.  You have a place in My Kingdom.  In your weakness is where My strength lies.  You have been adopted by Me and I know all your thoughts, even before you do.  I knew you before the world knew you.  You are changing your body by turning your heart to Me.  I desire you and desire to have a deep relationship with you.  You are My child.  Tory, you are Mine."

"God, I just want rest.  Will you give me rest."
"Come here in My lap and I will give you ample rest."

I can tell you I stilled struggled.  I had this conversation over and over with God yesterday.  However, I refused to allow Satan to devour me.  I reached out to God for comfort, my husband for support, and friends for prayers.  I didn't give in and would not allow defeat, instead I focused on this verse.

"We demolish arguments and every prevention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive very thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

It was hard.  I struggled and cried.  I battled yesterday.  But I refused to give in.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to.  It would have been easier to give in...in the short run.  But what would that have done to me in the long run...guilt, shame, embarrassment.  All of these emotions lead me to overeat and sin.

No thank you, Satan.  I will choose God and His truths.  Not you and your lies.  My thoughts will become captives and will become obedient to Christ.  Your poisonious arrows of words do not hold up to God's truth.  You can go away now.  You are not welcome here.