Reclaiming Sex for God

I want Christians to take sex back from the world.  That's right,  I am on a sex crusade.  Good, monogamous, marital sex.  Before you think I have totally lost my mind and gone to the dark side, let me explain.

The world has lots to say about sex.  Most if what the world says about sex is lies.  It is not without boundaries.  It is not to be used as a weapon to control, hurt, and punish others.   It is not to be practiced by children or singles.

But, and here your mind may be blown, Christians have lied about sex also.  It is not something that is only for the purposes of procreation.  Sex should not be filled with shame and disgrace.  Sex is not disgusting.  It is something that should be looked forward to.  Sex is a very important part of marriage.  Sex is good.  Sex is fun.  Sex is something to be enjoyed, celebrated, and (gasp) be talked about.  Bottom line, if the Bible talks about sex so should we.

We should be talking about it in our homes, in our youth groups, in our life groups, and from the pulpit.  We should be talking about what God's design for sex is to our children, our spouses, and our friends.

We shouldn't be ashamed of sex.  God created sex.  He designed an enjoyable (Bonus!!) way for a married couple to unite and physically become one.  It is the most intimate form of martial worship.  It communicates love and acceptance to one another.  Have you ever thought about God in your marriage bed?  Well you should, because he's there,  and he cares about your sex life.

He cares if you are satisfied with it.  He cares if you have been hurt by it.  He cares if you are bored with it.  He had a whole book of the Bible written about sex.  Jesus cares about sex.

For the next couple of blogs I am going to dive deeper into sex.  What does the world say about it?  What does the Bible says about sex?  What is the church saying about it?  How do we talk about sex?  Why should we talk about sex?

I am aware this is a very sensitive topic and I am going to try to be as delicate as this gal can possibly be.  But hear my heart, I want you and your spouse to have a freaking fantastic sex life, so I am going to be blunt and honest also.  It is time to reclaim sex for Jesus.

Glenn R. Hickernell

Glenn R. Hickernell

Posted: Friday, September 18, 2015 6:00 am, Meadvilletribune.com

CONNEAUTVILLE — Glenn R. Hickernell, 73, of Conneautville, passed away Wednesday Sept. 16, 2015, at Meadville Medical Center. He was born in Meadville, March 30, 1942, to the late Jack and Elvira Peffer Hickernell. He married Kathy Swartz in 1974. She survives.

Shakespeare said the world was a stage, but to Glenn it was also a classroom. After graduating from Allegheny College he taught us for 39 years at Conneaut Valley High School. Mr. Hickernell was our English and photography teacher and drama director. Glenn was a leader in our churches. He directed us towards higher principles, family values and the priority of helping kids. He was our friend, guiding us how to change our darkest chapters into stories of value. Rocking in a lawn chair, sitting in a classroom or standing on a stage to reach just one child was just another day with Glenn.

In addition to his wife, he is survived by four children, Paul, his wife, Elise, and their children, Lucas, Aiden and Jackson Hickernell of Troy, Ohio, Christopher, his wife, Marjorie, and their children, Treten and Talon Hickernell, of Salem, Mass., Sarah Hickernell of Asheville, N.C., Kimberly and her husband, Aaron Cole, of Erie; a sister, Sally and her husband, Drew Overpeck, of Glendale Springs, N.C.; a brother, John and his wife, Mary Hickernell, of Kansas City, Mo.; and many nieces and nephews.

Glenn’s final curtain call will be at 2 p.m. Saturday at Valley Church United Methodist, 1118 Main St., Conneautville. Retired pastor and dear friend Bill Deets will be officiating. A gathering will follow the service for us to share our fondest moments and greatest memories with Glenn.

Memorial contributions in Glenn's name may be made to any charity of your choice.

Arrangements have been entrusted to the services of White-Cool Funeral Home, Conneautville.

Condolences can be left for the family by visiting white-coolfuneralhome.org.

The world has lost a beautiful man.  Mr. Hickernell was more than a teacher or a friend's father.  He was a gift from God.  He taught me to love photography, the theater, and myself.  He came along at a time when I didn't like myself all that much.  I placed my worth instead by which boys liked me and he, along with a few other influential people, helped to begin my process of learning to love myself.

He gave me a role in the a school theater production and I fell in love.  Under his direction I was able to become Medea, Anne Frank, and Amanda Wingfield (Glass Menagerie), among many others.

I memorized the famous speech given by Marc Antony in "Julius Caesar".
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen lend me your ears."

I memorized Juliet's heart wrenching words in "Romeo and Juliet"
"O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet."

It was because of Mr. Hickernell I feel in love with Shakespeare.  

He drove me and his son, Paul, for years to countless  Junior Achievement meetings.  He would take us to visit his parents where I would begin to understand who my friend, Paul,  came from.  He would speak to truth in me as an educator and a mentor.  When he saw that I was losing myself to boys and other things, he would kindly tell me to get myself together and start caring about myself.

But more important than all the education and experiences he gave me was that he showed me Jesus could look like a middle-aged man riding around in a Rascal scooter through the hallways of Conneaut Valley High School.  

Mr. Hickernell didn't preach to me.  I actually don't think he ever even said the name of Jesus to me in all the years I knew him.  What he did do was show me Jesus.  He displayed love, grace, discipline, acceptance, kindness and joy in every interaction I was a part of and witness to.    

I was blessed to observe him with his wife and children.  He was loving and yet a disciplinarian.  I remember one year he let, Christopher I think, put up "Not Christmas" lights because his children wanted lights on the house even though they did not celebrate the traditional Christmas.    

I remember his sacrifice of time for his children and support at their activities.

My sister and I were reminiscing about him today and she told me the story how he promised her and her friend that if they came to class everyday during the 2nd semester he would let them take his Rascal for a ride around the school running errands for him.  Sure enough they came to class everyday for the entire semester and on the last day he let them rip around the hallways on the Rascal.

He took an awkward teenage girl who didn't like her parents, didn't like herself, and gave her joy and self-confidence.  He gave me a sense of security.  He gave me a peak at what Jesus looks like through his interactions with me and others.

It couldn't have been easy to be him.  Some talked behind his back and teased him because of his weight.  He had to use a Rascal to get around and some laughed behind him.  But, just like Jesus, he returned their teasing with love and kindness.  He held his head high and taught by example, never expressing a word, how to live gracefully and joyfully in the midst of pain and ridicule. 

He never returned a harsh word to the hurtful words thrown at him.  There were people who said he and his family were in a cult because their practiced their Christian faith differently than most in our small town.  Never did I ever hear a single defensive word come out of his mouth.  Instead, I witnessed a man who held fast to his faith and led his family.  I never had a father who led his family like Jesus leads the Church ,but when I would imagine what that looked like I always envisioned how I witnessed Mr. Hickernell behave with his family.  

I am blessed for knowing him.

Mr. Hickernell, these are all things I should have told you before you went home to Jesus.  I am sorry I never did.  But I want your family to know that your legacy reached far beyond them.  Thank you for the memories and life lessons.  I know you are out of pain and healed in heaven and I hope you family finds comfort in that.  

Until I see you again.  

Nurse Ratchet

My husband affectionally calls me Nurse Ratchet.  For those who have watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" you know this is not necessarily a compliment.  But I have to admit, he is right, I am a terrible nurse.  In my opinion, all sick people should voluntarily quarantine themselves and leave the healthy humans alone.   Take your medicines, tissues and other sickness paraphernalia into your room with you (maybe ask for the occasional water or soup) and let us be.  We have a life to live, you know, and can't spend it taking care of your head cold.

My poor children never get any slack when they are sick.  I am notorious for saying things like, "Push through", "Just because your sick doesn't mean that the world stops",  and "If you don't feel well, go lay down and stop infecting the rest of us."  I don't mean to be unempathic when someone is sick and actually I am very empathic when you are ill.  I feel terrible that you feel terrible, really I do. I just am not a good nurse.  I enjoy taking care of people in many ways, but nursing is not one of them.

If you want someone to help you advocate on your child's behalf at a school meeting...I'm your girl.  Need your oil changed...keep walking.  If you want to discuss the symbolism in "The Old Man and the Sea"...yoo-hoo, over here.  Need help with your physics homework...next, please.  You need a recipe for tonight's dinner...yep, I can help with that.  Need a bullnose plane...I have no idea what you are talking about.  Want advice about navigating the system for you child with special needs...pick me!! Want someone to vent to and laugh with over coffee...when do you want me there?

What I'm trying to say is, there are thing I am really good at and things I really suck at.  Learning and accepting my strengths and weaknesses has been a blessing with age.  As I have gotten older I am beginning, notice I said "beginning", to feel less pressure to be perfect at everything.  Age has given me some perspective that I cannot be, nor do I want to be, everything to my people.  I cannot possibly be expected to teach my children everything that they need to know to be honest, loving, empathic, and productive adults.  That is one of the reasons we have begun to strategically put other adults in their lives.  I don't want to be the be-all end-all to my husband, which is why it is important for him to have other friends.

Honestly, I think it is rather prideful and arrogant to think that God created me to be everything to all those around me.  In the past, I tried to do just that.  Eventually, I became exhausted and bitter because I was doing everything for everyone.  I had to get honest with myself and realize I created that maddening nightmare myself and I only had myself to be angry with.  I needed to change.  I had to get real about who I was and what areas I excelled and blundered in.  I had to make space in my life for others, who I trusted, to come in and fill in the gaps.  But more importantly, I had to make space for God.  

God excels at being God.  He wants to come and fill in our gaps and when we acknowledge we can't control everything or do it all, we make space for him to come in and do just that.  If we are busy being God than what do we need him for?  We can't expect Jesus to come rescue us if we aren't giving him space to do his work.  But that was exactly what I was doing.  I was trying to be God to everyone around me.  Even worse, I realized I was teaching my children that they didn't need God because Mom is the one who is the savior, not Jesus.

Can I guide them, help them and teach them?  Absolutely.  But to whom am I guiding them to?  To whom am I telling them should be their first stop for help?  To whom am I leading them to get advice from first?  It shouldn't be me.  It should be the the real Savior, Jesus.  I want them to go to Jesus with their hurts and failures first.  I want them to look in the Bible and talk to God about what to do in their lives before coming to me and getting my advice.  I want them to rely on the only totally and completely reliable resource, their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  And the first way I can do that is to rely on Jesus first myself.  I need to lead by example.

I am a terrible nurse but Jesus is the Great Physician.  And lucky for my people, Jesus can also give me a extra dose of grace to deal with them and their infectious diseases.  Oh crap, was that someone sneezing?

Thank you for my beautiful friends and family, who you have given me, to help fill in my gaps.  Thank you for being my Savior.  There are none who are better at being God then you.  It is your rightful place, not mine.  Lord, forgive me for trying to be God.  I confess, that I am terrible at being everything to everyone.  You didn't create me to do this.  Please Lord, remove my pridefulness and arrogance and replace it with humility and the need and will to seek you.  I pray that my children, and their children for generations, will seek your face and guidance all the days of their lives.  I pray that my legacy with be one of humbleness and grace.  I love you Jesus.  It is in your name, the name above all other names, that I pray...amen.      

I'm Not Finished

Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

My husband, the youngest of 5 (4 boys and 1 girl),  tells a story of how his sister used to be in charge of the kitchen clean up after meals when they were growing up.  He recalls hollering to her that he wasn't finished with his meal as she would pick up his plate to wash it.  She would ignore him or tell him too bad because she was ready to clean up.  I love that story.  

One reason I love that story is because it reminds me that none of us are finished.  We aren't finished growing or learning.  We aren't finished dreaming (thus the rise from the ashes of this blog) or achieving.  We are creatures that are still "in process".  Honestly, it would behoove me more to remember that neither I, nor my children or husband, are finished and I should give grace accordingly.  

That is hard for me.  I have hugely high expectations for myself and all those around me.  I expect that while the rest of the world is still unfinished and making mistakes, that my people and I won't.  Certainly not us!  These high expectations cause deep hurt in my life. 

Time for some gut honest truth.  I can seem rigid, judgmental, and unforgiving.  Even more truth, sometimes I am those things.  Usually, I am those things because of my high expectations for others.  My high expectations can cause others to quit and give up because they will never be good enough for me.  Hear my heart, I am sorry.  I am sorry to those that I have made feel that way.  I am sorry that I have hurt you and caused you pain because of my expectations.  I apologize.  I could go on for paragraphs but the bottom line is I should never use those expectations to cut down, hurt and belittle others.  I am sorry.   

I have had friends tell me to just lower my expectations and I wouldn't be hurt and honestly, I wish I could.  I wish I could expect nothing out of anyone or myself but deep down I don't know that I really want that.  I think that sometimes high expectations have helped me experience God miracles.  Those high expectations help me realize that I can't do anything on my own.  They help me fall to my knees and cry out to God for his wisdom, grace and salvation.  Those high expectations have cleared me of myself and allowed God to enter and work because I know that there is no way on earth to achieve what I hope to achieve without God entering into my life and working his God miracles.  

I have imposed my high expectations on others because I want them to achieve greatness and see some God miracles in their lives too.  What I need to do is learn to even out those high expectations with good Biblical love.  I run into trouble when I don't invite God in and impose my expectations and not God's expectations.   His expectations are rooted in his word and truth.  They are for the good.   They always come with his help.  Which leads me to the last reason I love my husband's childhood story.   

It is a reminder of one of God's promises.  He will never leave us hollering that we aren't finished.  I leave people unfinished but he will always complete us.  One day all my high expectations for myself and my people will be completed in God's all knowing and perfect way because he will complete us, not me.  He is completing us.  He is making me and you whole as I type this.  One day we will be complete.  He will finish what he started in us.  Isn't that a beautiful thought?  To be finished, whole, complete.  God is working.  He never stops.  He started us, is working on us and through us, and will finish us!  Amen.   I am praising him and blessed just by thinking of this promise. 

I pray you find hope that you and your people are not finished.  God started a work and promises to complete it.  

Lord, thank you for your word and promises.  Thank you for finishing what you start.  Thank you for not being like me. and being God.  Thank you for never becoming distracted and losing interest in us.  Thank you for not using your expectations to hurt.  Thank you for loving us enough to complete us.  Lord, I ask that you grant us extra grace and love for ourselves and each other while you are doing your work in us.  Help us to remember that we are unfinished works and to love the in-process masterpieces of those around us.  It is only because of your son that we can be heard by you.  Thank you for Jesus, his sacrifice and his advocacy on our behalf.  It is in his name we pray, amen.    

BLOG NOTE:  

I have been gone too long.  I have allowed Satan to tell me this blog and it's contents are a waste of time.  Today I say no more.  No more!  I have had a desire to write since I was young and over the years that desire to has morphed into a desire to write devotionals and teach.  I have LOTS to learn and hone.  Please be patient with me.  I ask for your prayers to remain steadfast in God's will.  To be honest, I am filled with doubt and anxiety.  I appreciate your feedback so please give it.  Let me know, in kindness please, what your thoughts are about this blog and it's posts.  I look forward to hearing from you.  Here we go...again.  Thanks for sticking with me.    

Beneficial

Beneficial.  This week in my M2C study I have been mulling over the word, "beneficial."  To be honest with you, it is a tough concept for me to fully grasp.  I get that it isn't beneficial for me to put my hand on the stove.  I also understand that it is beneficial for me to exercise, even though I don't want to.  But putting "beneficial" with food, now that is where the confusion starts to come in.  

I can honestly say that before God began dealing with me about my food issues, I thought most food was beneficial.  It played a needed role in my life.  It was beneficial for me to eat fast food because I am a super busy working mom that rarely has time to make dinner.  Even when I do make dinner, more likely than not, most of the people at the table don't like it.  Fast food is easy, quick and everyone can get what they will like.  

But if I was really being honest with myself, it was playing a much deeper role in my life.  Fast food, with all it's fat, calories, and grease sounds gross, but to me it was soul filling deliciousness.  If someone hurt my feelings, fast food would make me feel better for a bit.  If my kids were making me crazy, that burger with cheese helped me relax.  If I wasn't feeling well, those salty french fries helped heal me.  I was using fast food like a drug, pure and simple.  

So while not being healthy for me fast food was a benefit, right?  In the short term, yes.  It was helping me cope with and mute my feelings.  In the long run, no.  I was using it to prevent myself from  dealing with my feelings, making healthier choices, and above all other reasons, I was using fast food as a god.  

Gulp!  

That is tough to say, but sadly, true.  Instead of going to God with my problems I was going to fast food.

So beneficial?  Now, today, I can say in no way is it beneficial for me.  Actually, fast food is harmful because I allow it to get in-between God any myself.  I serve it, rather than it serves me.  I turn to it instead of turn to my Savior.  

So what are more beneficial things I can chose.  I can chose to no longer use food as a coping mechanism and instead use prayer.  I can call a friend when I need an ear.  I can read some scripture and get some real soul food.  I can cry out and let the Holy Spirit intercede on my behalf.  I can chose to go for a walk or run.  All those choices are beneficial to me.  They deepen my relationships with God and others and improve my overall health.  Are they my "go to" choices?  No, not yet.  I still  have to consciously decided not to eat and make one of the above choices instead, but I have hope that one day they will become my "go to" choices.

Beneficial.  I am on my way.  God is opening my eyes to the beneficial things in life.  And for that, I am grateful.  

Peace

During this week of the M2C Bible study we are encouraged to be at peace with our bodies.   For the most part I have never been at peace with my body.  When I was pregnant I loved my body.  I loved the roundness of my belly and the fullness of my body.  I was content and at peace with myself.  Before and after pregnancy, not so at peace with myself.  

I was not always overweight.  The tragic part is that even though I was a normal weight, I thought I was huge.  I hated my body and they way it looked.  I was self-conscious of my stomach, legs, arms, practically every inch of myself.  I was constantly dieting to become thinner and then binging to ease the pain of self-hatred.  

When I was 21 I met my future husband and sweetheart.   The best part about him, besides his sense of humor and gorgeous huskiness, was that he loved me.  He didn't care about my stomach, or legs, or arms.  He loved me.  I quit dieting but the binging to ease the pain of self-hatred never stopped.  I began to gain weight.  And quiet honestly, besides losing the weight twice without being to keep it off, here I am 15 years later and still overweight and I can definitely say, not at peace with my body.  

I want to be at peace with my body.  I truly do.  I no longer wish to hate my appearance.  I dread looking in the mirror or getting dressed.  Every morning is an emotional olympic event to be ok enough with myself to leave the house.  I can't wait until I begin to believe about me what God believes about me. 

So how am I doing it?  I am reading the Bible everyday.  I am learning about who God thinks I am.  I am working on loving myself and being at peace with who I am.  I am not there yet but I am not about to allow the next 15 years of my life to be ruled by self-hatred.  

I believe that if my hearts desire is to become who God wants me to be than I will begin to become that woman as I begin to allow Him to change me.  I believe that if I truly want to find peace with my body I must gain proper perspective.  I must begin to see myself as God sees me.  I must begin to celebrate how God created me.  I must begin love myself.  I must release the lies I have told myself for 36 years and learn the truths about how I am.  

Lord, thank you for the way you created my body.  Thank you for every part and particle of who I am.  Thank you for my stomach, legs, and arms.  They have served You well.  They have carried 2 children.  They have prepared hundreds of meals for my family.  They have walked the floors when my children called me.  They have served Your church.  And they have served my community.  Help me love see myself as You see me.  Help me to love myself as You love me.  Father, help me to be at peace with this creation that is called Tory.   

An attack

Yesterday was one of those days that I just want to crawl back into the pit God lifted me out of and say, "Really, God, I am fine here.  You don't need to lift me back out of here.  It is actually comfy.  Thanks anyway."

I was under some seriously soul attack from the enemy.  He was flinging his poisonous arrows at me and I was so weak and tired that I was having a hard time blocking them.  I was vulnerable to his attack and he knew it.  Not only did he know it but he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and using it to try to defeat me.

All I could do was cry, literally, out to God and pray.

"God I hate myself.  Why do I have to feel like this.  Why do I instantly want to react in this way?"
"But I love you.  You aren't allowing your feeling to control you.  You are turning to Me instead.  You are suppressing your reactions and turning your heart to Me."

"But I still feel like I want to.  I still feel unworthy, unloved, not good enough, weak, discarded, misunderstood, fat, hated, undesirable."
"You're right.  You are unloved and hated.  You are unloved by Satan and hated because you are choosing Me.  However, I love you.  I don't hate you.  My Son gave you worth.  You have a place in My Kingdom.  In your weakness is where My strength lies.  You have been adopted by Me and I know all your thoughts, even before you do.  I knew you before the world knew you.  You are changing your body by turning your heart to Me.  I desire you and desire to have a deep relationship with you.  You are My child.  Tory, you are Mine."

"God, I just want rest.  Will you give me rest."
"Come here in My lap and I will give you ample rest."

I can tell you I stilled struggled.  I had this conversation over and over with God yesterday.  However, I refused to allow Satan to devour me.  I reached out to God for comfort, my husband for support, and friends for prayers.  I didn't give in and would not allow defeat, instead I focused on this verse.

"We demolish arguments and every prevention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive very thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:5

It was hard.  I struggled and cried.  I battled yesterday.  But I refused to give in.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to.  It would have been easier to give in...in the short run.  But what would that have done to me in the long run...guilt, shame, embarrassment.  All of these emotions lead me to overeat and sin.

No thank you, Satan.  I will choose God and His truths.  Not you and your lies.  My thoughts will become captives and will become obedient to Christ.  Your poisonious arrows of words do not hold up to God's truth.  You can go away now.  You are not welcome here.  

1 Peter 5:7-8a

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert."  

1 Peter 5:7-8a

During week 2 of the M2C study that I am doing,  1 Peter 5:7-8a was our power verse for the week.  When I read the word "anxiety" I knew this verse needed to be in my arsenal of heart verses. I fight off anxiety nearly every hour.  

I have anxiety over food.  Yes, I have major anxiety over my food.  What to eat, how to prepare it, where to get it, why I am eating it, when to eat it...you get the idea.  But I knew that God was dealing with more than just my food anxieties.  He wanted me to control my anxieties over my house, my children, my husband, my extended family, work, my clients, what I should say to someone and how my words will/are perceived, how my actions affect others, if others are mad at me...anxiety can control my life if I allow it.  

As I began to tick off these anxieties I was faced with a cold hard truth...they were all about ME.  Nothing I was anxious of was about God or His desires for me or His other children.  I was selfishly anxious.  For me, anxiety is a sin.  I am obsessing selfishly over myself.  I need to end my anxiety.     

According to the Webster Dictionary "anxiety" is defined as

"1

a :  painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill

b :  fearful concern or interest

c :  a cause of anxiety

2

:  an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it"

Oh boy do I see myself here, especially in the "self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it." portion.  I am plagued with self-doubt which is, of course, why I can obsess and worry over things.  Again, I am selfish.  After admitting I was selfish and asking for forgiveness, I knew I needed to get a handle on my self-doubt.  I had to release my self-doubts to God.  

If I began to not lean on Tory (get rid of the selfish control), but follow God's will for my life (give God control), I could begin to release my self-doubts.  I am beginning to feel some assurance this week as I release myself to God and ask for His power to complete my journeys.  

I am pretty sure that if He could create the entire universe He can help me complete whatever little task I have.   And that is the exact perspective I need to have right now.  My tasks are "little" when you compare them to what God has His hand in every second of every day.  I am charged with changing my attitudes, actions, and beliefs about food, and setting a good example of a healthy relationship  with food for my children to witness and learn from.  But when I say that aloud it doesn't feel so little.  Here's some hope and praise for God.  If I keep asking he will give me power.  I am talking, raising Jesus from the dead,  power.  (Eph 1:19-20)  I can totally conquer these selfish anxieties with THAT kind of power.  

Here is the Tory version of 1 Peter 5:7-8a.  

Tory, give God all, not some or a little and don't take it back, give all, of your fears, uneasinesses, apprehensions, doubts and self-doubt to God because He favors, adores, delights in, enjoys, covets, cherishes, treasures, values, notices, observes, and yes, CRAVES you, Tory.  Ask for God's power, the raising Jesus from the dead supernatural power that you have available to you if you ask Him and keep asking, and receive it, embody it, accept it, expect it, to control your actions, impulses, and emotions.  Pay close attention to the approaching danger and/or opportunities that are coming your way.  

Danger? What danger?  The second half of 1 Peter 5:8b tells us my "opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he look for someone to devour."  

For me it is a "get control of your eating or be eaten by the devil" deal.  Or "give God your _______ or be eaten by the devil" as I deal with different situations and issues daily.  Personally, being swallowed by Satan doesn't sound like a fun time.  I guess that means I better get my behind in gear and get to becoming self-controlled.  Otherwise I will be delighting the devil and not my God.  

"Oh chocolate cake, you look so tasty."  

"Yeah, if you want to delight the devil it does."  

That definitely puts it in a new perspective.  

Father, thank you so much for revealing these truths to me in Your Word.  God, seal them in my heart and mind.  Keep them there, never to waiver, so I can live for You and not for the enemy.  Help me to gain self-control over my thoughts, actions, attitudes and emotions.  Give me Your supernatural power to choose Your way and not the enemy and the world's ways.  Help me to want to make the decisions that You desire.  Forgive my selfishness and anxieties.  Forgive that I was more concerned for myself than for You.  Help me to have a God-centered view and forget about myself and my desires.  I give my life to You and all that I do for Your glory.  Use it as You want for Your good.  Amen.    

"But God..."

"But I think a broom would would work better!"

"Would you please listen to me.  I know the best way to clean it up."

This was a conversation that I had today with my son.  He had spilled waxed from his wall warmer on his floor.  Although it was an accident I was being the worst mom ever and making him clean it up.  However, I wasn't making him clean it up all by himself.  I was trying to guide him to show him how to clean up the wax in the easiest, most effective way.  

He was not having it.  He had his own idea how to best clean it up and he wanted to do it his way.  I was getting so frustrated with him and just want to yell at him, "Shut up and do it MY way!!!!!!!!"  But I knew that would have been way out of line and unproductive.  So instead I explained why my way was the best and encouraged him to just try it.

Then it hit me.  This is how God must feel with me.  Time after time, God encourages me to do it His way.  He continues to guide me and explain to me how best to do things.  He never loses patience with me and always is beside me, never leaving me to do it myself, even though I made the mess.  All the while I am stamping my feet and saying, "But God, I want to do it MY way!!!"

Which leads me to another conversation I had with one of my children today.  

I made the best healthy version of chicken parm ever known to man with a delicious fresh salad...and she hated it.  UGH!!  I can't help to take it personal because I take some much time and effort cooking a healthy meal and she hates it.  Truly, she has her mother's tastebuds.  "It just doesn't taste good, " she says.   

As I hear things like, "But I am only a kid, why can't I have a treat?",  or "I got an A on my test! Can we celebrate with cake tonight?", or "Mommy, can I have some ice cream?  I am having a really bad day." my heart sinks.  Those are my words.  I taught her those associations with food.  I have helped my daughter begin an unhealthy relationship with food.  

Tonight I had to privately apologize to her for teaching her the beginnings of food issues.  I asked her to allow me to teach her how to eat correctly and use food as God designed for us.  We decided our family will begin to add, "Lord, please help us like the healthy food we are eating today.  Help change our tastebuds." to our meal prayers.  

And just like that I, again, had the realization of how the Lord feels towards me.  Although, He did not teach me to eat unhealthy or misuse food, He is graciously coming beside me and saying, "Let me help you learn how to eat and use food correctly."  I am so grateful God shows me in ways that I can recognize and learn from.  I am so blessed that my heart's eyes are opening to His truths and lessons.  

Father, forgive me for teaching my children unhealthy eating habits.  Lord, I pray you protect them from my food issues and allow them to have a healthy relationship with food.  Lord, help to change our tastebuds minds and want to eat healthy.  Change our hearts to be in line with Your plans and ways.  Thank you for loving me and guiding me with grace.  Thank you for all the progress I am making with Your strength and guidance.  You are the source of my victories.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.     

The Cycle

There is a cycle to practically everything.  There is a water cycle, life cycle, cycle of abuse...you get the picture.  For me there is a food cycle. 

First, I feel an emotion.  Any strong emotion will do.  Sadness, anger, happiness, boredom, love, loneliness...you get the picture.  The crazy thing with emotions is I am not totally comfortable feeling them.  So I eat to mute those emotions.  I use food to celebrate, commiserate,  and tolerate.  After I eat,  I feel guilt, shame and self-hatred.  Those emotions are huge triggers for me so I eat again to mute those emotions,  which food does...for a while.  Then I feel another intense emotion and the cycle begins again. 

Some have said to me, "Well, just do something else at those times." or "Think about what you want in the long run."  To be honest, being thin or healthy is not as important as the food I am craving to mute the emotion is.  I will obsess over my craving.  I will think about it until I get it.  If I can't have it for some reason, I will get mad and angry, which is an intense emotion so I obsess even more over the craving.  I will cry, lash out, pout, and throw a fit like a toddler.  There is practically no reasoning with me.  I will wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my craving.  Truly, it is the reaction of an addict. 

As ugly as that truth is, I can say I am working on ending this cycle.  I have to end this cycle.  I want to end this cycle.  If I don't end it I will continue to eat obsessively, gain weight, destroy my health, and eventually kill myself from obesity.  No joke.  I am on "that" path.   I owe it to myself, my family, and, most importantly, my God to end this cycle.  He never created me to live in such a defeated place such as the one I am living in now.  He created me to live in the victory that Jesus already purchased for me on Calvary.  

Today, I am beginning week two of ending this insane cycle and living in the victory God intended for me.  I am far from being victorious, that will only happen when I reach Heaven, but I will one day reach a place where I have completely surrendered my food addiction to Christ and become obedient to God's will for my attitude and actions with food.  I will one day, with God's  help, no longer act on my food addiction.  Rather I will use food as its intend purpose and use God to mute those intense emotions.  I will use God to celebrate, commiserate, and tolerate.  I will begin to crave God, His presence, and our relationship more than food.  I am so excited for that day.  Until then I will praise God during the process and try to live every moment of it as He intends for me.