"Jesus at the center of it all. Jesus at the center of it all. From beginning to the end, it will always be, it's always been you Jesus, Jesus."
I have noticed lately, because my stress levels have been off the charts and my emotions have been running wild, Jesus is not at the center. Somewhere along the way, while I was walking with my Savior, I looked away and I became the center. My feelings, my desires, my expectations, my disappointments became my center.
It has been a hard time for our family for the last few months. It seems like one crisis after another keeps popping up. And somehow I became to become hyper focused on me and how all this was affecting me. I began to get angry and bitter. I began losing control over my emotions and letting them dictate my actions. I cried more and laughed less. I yelled more and listened less. I was unraveling.
Friday night I was finally still enough that I could hear God and I didn't like what he was saying. He kept bringing to mind all the ickiness of myself over the last week. I was impatient, childish, spoiled, angry, bitter, unreasonable, jealous, mean...the list goes on. Saturday I beat myself up pretty bad. I decided to stop, just stop behaving entitled. I decided to joyfully serve my people, even if I was gritting my teeth (joy will come...I believe joy will come) and be quiet. I decided to focus not on my false sense of entitlement but on how changing my heart, mind and actions to realign with God's.
I texted a friend and poured out my heart. I made myself step up and and reach out. I cried and cried, prayed and prayed. I listened to sermons and praise music. And God kept talking and talking. I needed to realign myself with Him. I needed to confess to God and my people and repent. I had to suck it up, grow up and obey. It wasn't all about me. Jesus needed to be back in the center.
It isn't pretty. I am still unraveled but God is slowly putting me back together. I am still tired. I am still frustrated and upset. But I am choosing not to behave that way. I am choosing to react with LOVE, JOY, PEACEFULNESS, KINDNESS, PATIENCE, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, and SELF-CONTROL. I can't do that without God. I can't be anything other than my old sinful self. I can, however, be filled with the Holy Spirit and react as God would if i ask for His help . I can live in His strength. I can put Jesus back in the center of my life.
Lord, I have become unglued and unraveled. I allow my emotions to be dictators instead of indicators. I yell, scream, rant and rave. I induce fear and blame. I need You to glue me back together. Lord, forgive me. Change me. Shield those I have hurt. Lead me back to Your heart where I can find the peace and self-control I need. In Jesus's name, Amen.
Praying for you Tory. Life is so hard, but His grace is enough. I promise. :) Love ya!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this encouragement! God has richly blessed you and will continue to do so!!
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