An Unwanted Companion

I have been gone for a long time.  Every since my dad passed away the holidays have been hard but this year they were even more difficult.  The week before Thanksgiving I decided it was time to ask the doctor to put me back on antidepressants after 8 years of not needing them.  It was a really difficult decision to make but I was getting to the point where I couldn't deny it anymore, I needed help.

Depression comes slowly.  At first, I begin to feel tired.   I lose my temper quicker than normal.  I can feel the anger welling up and the feeling of sinking.  I begin to feel like I can't catch my breath.  For the last year I had begun to feel like I was drowning, systematically and undoubtedly drowning.  My old companion had come.

When I was in my late teens I first met depression.  It came quickly and stayed for a long time.  I was hospitalized 2 times before I was 20.  I couldn't break through the surface and catch my breath.  I was in a unhealthy and abusive relationship.  It just feed into my depression and I began to lose myself to depression and anxiety.  I tried to commit suicide.  I couldn't see a way out and I honestly felt my friends and family would be better off without me.      

Therapy and medications began to work and after 3 years I began to feel like I was breaking the surface.  I began to breath.  I began to live again.

Depression is a thief.  It steals from you.  It took away my dignity and filled me with shame.  It stole my joy and left anger.  It took time from me and left me with gaping holes of emptiness and confusion.

Depression became my normal.  For a long time I didn't know how to live without it.  I felt lost and unsure of myself.  I wasn't who I was before it came.  I learned that I would never be who I had been again.  Depression had changed me.

Soon I learned to live my new normal and met and married my husband.  We were happy.  I became pregnant and we had our first child together.  And my old companion returned.  I soon became pregnant again and had to go off my antidepressants.  We had our daughter and moved within a month.  And I sank deeper and deeper.  Soon I found myself alone, with two children under 2, in a town where I knew no one, and a husband who had been transferred hundreds of miles away.

I became nonfunctioning.  My mom came and got me and the babies and I stayed with family until my husband had a found a house for us to live in.  We moved and I quickly found a doctor.  But I was sinking faster than she could pull me up.  I had to be hospitalized again.

I felt like a failure.  I thought I had let my husband and children down.  There was people in my life who didn't understand what I was going through and I internalized all of it.

After months of the correct medications and therapy, I broke through the surface again and began to live my life.  But just like before I wasn't the same, I was different.  I had to learn who I was all over again.

Fast forward, I was stable and under doctor supervision, was able to get off medication.  For the last 8 years I have been med free but had continued therapy off and on.  And yet here I am again.  My old companion has come to visit me again.  I am fighting to breath again.  I am struggling to not sink to the bottom.  So I have been gone.  I am trying to keep afloat and it is exhausting.

Some days are good.  I can function and am able to pull myself together enough to be around people.  Other days not so much.  I can't get out of bed let alone deal with the world.  But I still fight.  I have so much to fight for.

I have decided to refuse to allow depression to keep me in shame and isolation.  So here I am writing this, telling you my story in the belief that God is going to use my struggle.        

 

Perspective

Science was one of my favorite classes.  I loved growing mold and bacteria on the petri dishes.  I would take notes on my experiment and observations, make predictions, and all around be nerdy, which I still am.  Then would come that glorious day when I would walk into class and the microscopes and box of glass slides would be on the lab tables, oh hallelujah!  

I would clean the slide, swab the petri dish, smear it on the slide, place on the glass cover and víola, I would see a whole new world.  Colorful tiny bacteria would be moving all over the place.  It was like a party going on right under my nose and the only way to see it was to change my perspective.  In the petri dish I only saw the macroview but under the microscope I saw the microview.  

Life is a bit like that, expect we tend to focus on the microview.  We are hypersensitive to the details and have a hard time pulling ourselves away to see the whole picture.  I believe that Satan loves to keep us looking at all the little things to help us lose our perspective of what is really going on.  When we lose our holy perspective, we become ineffective.    

Take for instance the conversation I had with my daughter a few weeks ago.  We were driving and talking about a particular hard place our family was experiencing.  I wanted to know how it was affecting her and to apologize that this situation was taking my energy away from her.  

"I'm really sorry I am kinda crappy mom," I said.   

 

She looked at me with the most shocked face and said, "What are you talking about?  You're a great mom!"   

"Ok, that may be a little overboard, don't you think.  I mean, at best I am an 'ok' mom and lately I am kinda doing awful at the whole 'mom' thing as a whole."

"Mom," she said looking at me, "on a scale of 1-10, what kinda mom do you think you are?"

"On average?  About a 4."  Seriously guys, the look she gave me almost made me run off the road because I thought she was going to kill me.  

"A 4!!  No way, you are at least a 8.  I mean, I would say a 9 but I don't want your head to get too big, so a good solid 8.  Do you know what we put you through?  We aren't easy as kids, you know."  

She is 11, hear that 11!  How in the world did I ever get so blessed as to have her in my life? 

"Yeah, I know, but G, I lose my patience constantly and yell and demand.  Sometimes I wonder if you know how much I love you.  Do you know how much I love you?"

"Mom, I know how much you love me.  It is why you do everything you do.  And you have way more patience that I would with us..." and on she went.  

Perspective.  

I was looking at all the things I do wrong as a mom and here was my daughter telling me all the right things I was doing.  I had let Satan fill all my insecurities with lies about me instead of allowing God to fill me with truths.  I have been doing this for a long time.  My head is a messy place.  It can be ugly and hurtful.  I wouldn't even say out loud the things going on in there sometimes.  

So after that conversation I decided to refill my mind.  

"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes."  Ephesians 4:23  

Lie:  I am a failure.

Truth:  "I can do all things through him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13  

Lie:  I am ugly.

Truth:  "For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.  Oneness and peace in Christ." Ephesians 2:10

Lie:  I am not good enough.   

Truth:  "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Lie:  I can't ever be who God created me to be.

Truth:  "Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms in Christ." Ephesians 1:3

Lie:  No one loves me.

Truth:  "I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father."  John 15:15

Lie:  My past is too sinful.

Truth:  "…For you were at one time darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light."  Ephesians 5:8

Lie:  My kids, husband, family, friends, deserve better than me. 

Truth:  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!"  2 Corinthians 5:17

Lie:  No one wants me. 

Truth:  "We know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you …" 1 Thessalonians 1:4

Lie:  God can't use me. 

Truth:  "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."  2 Peter 1:3

Truth.  

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  John 8:32  

Jesus and His teachings, are the truth and HE is what sets us free.  

Perspective.  

There is a power in godly perspective.  But we can't find out what godly perspective is if we aren't in relationship with Christ.  Unless I fill myself with what God thinks about me daily, sometimes hourly, I am bombarded by lies.  Lies that are carefully designed just for me.  Lies that are meant to keep me in bondage and paralyzed by fear.  

My lies aren't your lies.  I encourage you this Thanksgiving to fill yourself with Truth.  Combat your lies and allow God to speak to you in truth.  I think you will find you have much more to be thankful for than you think.       

Getting back

"Jesus at the center of it all.  Jesus at the center of it all.  From beginning to the end, it will always be, it's always been you Jesus, Jesus."

https://youtu.be/_MO0tI3t3fM

I have noticed lately, because my stress levels have been off the charts and my emotions have been running wild, Jesus is not at the center.  Somewhere along the way, while I was walking with my Savior, I looked away and I became the center.  My feelings, my desires, my expectations, my disappointments became my center.

It has been a hard time for our family for the last few months.  It seems like one crisis after another keeps popping up.  And somehow I became to become hyper focused on me and how all this was affecting me.  I began to get angry and bitter.  I began losing control over my emotions and letting them dictate my actions.  I cried more and laughed less.  I yelled more and listened less.  I was unraveling.

Friday night I was finally still enough that I could hear God and I didn't like what he was saying.  He kept bringing to mind all the ickiness of myself over the last week.  I was impatient, childish, spoiled, angry, bitter, unreasonable, jealous, mean...the list goes on.  Saturday I beat myself up pretty bad.  I decided to stop, just stop behaving entitled.  I decided to joyfully serve my people, even if I was gritting my teeth (joy will come...I believe joy will come) and be quiet.  I decided to focus not on my false sense of entitlement but on how changing my heart, mind and actions to realign with God's.    

I texted a friend and poured out my heart.  I made myself step up and and reach out.  I cried and cried, prayed and prayed.  I listened to sermons and praise music.  And God kept talking and talking. I needed to realign myself with Him.  I needed to confess to God and my people and repent.  I had to suck it up, grow up and obey.  It wasn't all about me.  Jesus needed to be back in the center.  

It isn't pretty.  I am still unraveled but God is slowly putting me back together.  I am still tired.  I am still frustrated and upset.  But I am choosing not to behave that way.  I am choosing to react with LOVE, JOY, PEACEFULNESS, KINDNESS, PATIENCE, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, and SELF-CONTROL.  I can't do that without God.  I can't be anything other than my old sinful self.  I can, however, be filled with the Holy Spirit and react as God would if i ask for His help .  I can live in His strength.  I can put Jesus back in the center of my life.

Lord, I have become unglued and unraveled.  I allow my emotions to be dictators instead of indicators.  I yell, scream, rant and rave.  I induce fear and blame.  I need You to glue me back together.  Lord, forgive me.  Change me.  Shield those I have hurt.  Lead me back to Your heart where I can find the peace and self-control I need.  In Jesus's name, Amen.

Unkept Promises

The Mr. and I have a son who has "special needs."  Can I just be honest for a moment.  I don't like that phrase "special needs."  I don't even like the phrase "different needs."  Anger just boils up in me when I hear it.  Are you seriously telling me that only our kids have "special" or "different" needs?  Bologna!  We all have "special" or "different" needs.  I wish the world would quit trying to create a false norm and putting our kids on the outside of that norm.  How about they just have needs?  That's it, just needs.  His needs are different than your needs, which are different than her needs, etc.  We all have needs, period.

Ok, now that that is out of my system back to the regularly scheduled program.

Our son was diagnosed at the age of 3 with Asperger's.  At the time we were told that he was extremely intelligent, which he is, and very high functioning (in autism world this means he is "mildly" affected by autism).  We were told that while he showed signs in toddlerhood and through elementary years, if we worked hard and got him the interventions that he needed he would most likely be completely integrated and function well by middle school.  My ears and heart took that as "as long as you are a good mom, he will be fine by middle school."

Let me tell you, we are far from fine.  In fact we are struggling more now than we were 3 years ago.  I feel like I have been cheated and lied to.  Where is our "functioning well" in middle school?  Currently, he is being homeschooled because of the non acceptance by peers and behavior issues he had throughout elementary.

We did everything that they asked. I went to conference after conference to educate myself. I read 1,000s of books.  We implemented 100s of parenting techniques and therapeutic supports.  I took him to appointment after appointment for different interventions. I attended countless meeting to advocate for his needs. We saw this doctor and that doctor, this therapist and that therapist, for evals and assessments.  Literally, we have had BSCs, MTs, and TSSs in our homes for 1000s of hours since he was 3.  Our entire family has sacrificed for him.  And he isn't better.  In fact, in many areas he is worse.

Recently, we received another diagnosis.  Often with Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, as Asperger's is now referred to, it is common to see comorbidity (meaning more than one) of diagnoses.  This is his 3rd diagnosis (ASD, ADHD, and Depressive disorder).  This kiddo is 12 and has 3 diagnoses.  It is heart-breaking.  It is discouraging and extremely upsetting.

This week I have finally come to the conclusion that this is never going to end.  His struggles are never going to end.  They may look different over the years but they are never going to end.  And I am angry.    

I feel lied to and cheated. I see these other kids with Asperger's and they are functioning. They fit it.  Meanwhile, my kiddo fights off suicidal thoughts.  He doesn't really have friends. He isolates and chooses to be alone. He is angry and lashes out. He cannot function without medication and even with the medication struggles to carry out tasks on his own.  He is insensitive.  He speaks inappropriately. He cannot stay on task. He is wickedly smart but cannot focus enough to complete a 9 question quiz. He picks and picks at people to get their attention and ends up annoying the crap out of them.  In turn they begin to pick on him (he is a provoking victim). 

He just doesn't fit. He struggles in school.  He struggles at home. He struggles in the community. He is becoming anorexic (which I am trying to keep them from diagnosing him with. Does he really need another?). He cannot fall asleep for hours. I don't sleep because I have to wait for him to sleep otherwise he walks around the house, eats weird food, plays on tech until all hours of the night.  I live in fear that one day he will really hurt himself because he explodes with such self-hatred. I dread the day that we may have to finally have him in-patient. 

Social interaction, ha.  We have tried social skills groups, team sports, church functions, clubs...etc.  He struggles in all of them.  Sure you see a kid who is present and somewhat interactive, although inappropriate.  What you don't see is the 45 minute or more struggle to get him out the door.  You don't see the signs of a meltdown because we do and get him out as quickly as possible so he isn't embarrassed by his behaviors in front of you.  You don't see the arguments and tears in the back hallways as we are trying to get him back out there with the other kids.  

And please don't get me started on his obsessions.  I just can't even stand to hear one more sports fact or see even one more sports card.  I just can't even.      

You admire us because we are such involved parents, but really we would love to just stay home because we are with him all the time.  But we can't because when he has a meltdown most people can't handle him.  Heck, we can't handle him sometimes.  We have to be there or else he doesn't do well.  We have tried to let him go to things on his own and most of the time it becomes disastrous over time and even with us there it can be a struggle.  Volunteers, who are already giving up so much of their personal time and I love them for it, get frustrated because he is inattentive, inappropriate, unfocused, a discipline issue, and can be allaround difficult.  I don't blame them.  We live it daily and he can be exhausting.        

I am weary and tired. I am angry. This was not the plan. He was supposed to be better by now. I am sad and grieving for the present I thought we would have. I cannot even imagine what his future may look like. And now we have another obstacle and barrier?  Another diagnosis to learn about and cope with?  Seriously?!  

When we talk about kids like my son, we focus on the success and achievements.  I hear parents say things like, "it was really hard but so worth it when I see where she is now"  and "all the pain has brought us to this beautiful place"  and I agree.  It is really hard.  The pain can bring beauty.  But that is not what a parent who is in the middle of the hurricane of difficulty and pain wants to hear.  

We want to know that what we are feeling and grieving is not abnormal and weird.  This, sometimes, unbearable pain of watching your child struggle and lose time after time does not make us bad parents.  We need to hear that we are loved, our kids are loved and our family is accepted.  We need friends who won't get tired of hearing us talk about our kid and their struggles.  A friend who insists we leave our house even though we haven't showered in days because during our child's waking hours we can't find the time and are too exhausted to when they finally fall asleep.  A friend who lets us scream and rage because it is so dang painful, hard and exhausting to have a child like ours.  We need text messages and calls just to see how we are doing.  We need dinners when we are going through a hard time.  We need constant prayers.  We need a community to come help us parent.  We need a community to love and accept us.      

Our other children need extra doses of love and attention because we are struggling to give it to them at home because our other child takes up so much of our time.  They need playdates to get away from the house for awhile.  They need someone that will talk to them about having a sibling who takes so much from their parents and not make them feel like they are a bad kid for feeling jealous, angry and frustrated.  They need a community to love and accept them.    

We need you to educate your children about our child.  Don't know what to say to them or how to help?  Ask us.  We would be delighted to educate you.  We need you to, this is tough to swallow, make your kids include our's.  Imagine your child alone on the weekends hanging out with his parents, not getting calls to go over to friend's houses, not hanging out with a group of kids during the football games but insteading walking around by himself.  Heartbreaking isn't it, but it is what we see weekend after weekend after weekend.  

When they aren't included, it becomes incredibly hard for us to teach our child appropriate social skills.  They need to be involved in relationships other than just familial.  It is important to realize that although they are in a corner by themselves acting like they don't want anyone around, many times they are craving interactions but don't know how to ask for it.  So go.  Go ask them what they need.  They may not be able to verbalize it.  You may need to just sit quietly with them so they aren't alone.  They need a community to love and accept them just as they are.       

I know God chose me to be my son's mother.  I know I am the best mom for him.  I know Jesus loves me and my son.  I know I can do this with God's help and strength.  I know all these things in the deepest most secretive places of my heart.  I remind myself of them hourly, somedays minutely.  I hold on to these truths for my life and rest in them.  

I am thankful I serve a God who doesn't make mistakes because the way my son's brain works is not a fluke and mistake.  God carefully and lovingly created him just the way that he is.  I may not understand why but that doesn't matter because my Almighty Father does.  My children are a blessing to me.  My hardest and roughest days do not shake my thankfulness and knowledge of God's love and goodness.  They can't, because if they do, I have nothing to stand on.  I refuse to dwell on my feelings.  That is a dangerous slippery slope for me.  

Sure I question God.  Sure I get angry at God.  Sure I cry and yell at Him.  But my Lord can handle it.  When I am done throwing my temper tantrum he grabs me up, wipes my tears and hugs me.  He strengthens me and I go back out there and parent some more.    

However, all that being said, that doesn't let you, our community, off the hook.  We still need you.  Ever wonder why you know us?  Maybe because you are supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus to us?  Maybe Jesus designed you to be our cup of cool water?  

There are 10s of 1,000s of families just like ours all over this world.  The statistics of individuals with autism, ADHD and depression, just to name a few, are staggering.  I can only speak my family's personal truth but I know enough families to know that we all need a community.  We all want our children to be loved and supported.  We all want to be accepted.  We all need you.         

  

Community Table

5 weeks ago I broke out of my comfort zone and joined a book club.  It was hosted by a woman I met through social media and would occasionally see in our community and speak to briefly.  I knew that I would virtually know no one else in the book club but I needed some good quality girl time.  This may seem like something a normal middle-age woman would do, but not me.  While I love books and all things that have to do with books, I am not one for putting myself in situations where I did not already have established relationships.  This book club scared the heck out of me and I decided that is exactly why I needed to join.  Well that and I had been starving for connection since the beginning of this school year.   

At the end of last school year we decided, as a family,  to homeschool our middle schooler.  I am the primary learning aide during the days.  I left my job in June and became a stay-at-home mom again.  My days are filled with, whining, back talk, hormones, sighing and eye rolling (lots of sighing and eye rolling), school books, gym equipment, chauffeuring, making about 1,000 meals a day, teaching, and mothering.  I was burning out and needed refreshment.  I was hoping this book club would help me continue on for the remainder of the week without causing bodily harm to one of my people.  

The first night as I was driving 1/2 hour from my house to this book club I was riddled with fear, anxiety and doubt.  I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted.  I was anxious and hyper aware that I was heavier than I have ever been in my life (including my pregnancies).  I was doubtful that this would help ease my ache for connection.  I stood on the street, hoping I was about to walk into the correct house and took a deep breath.  

What I walked into was love...literally.  Before I could even blink ladies were hugging me and greeting me.  All the walls I had erected during my drive began to crumble and that evening I was opening up and the full "Tory" came out.  I ate, laughed, got teary, and felt a connection with ladies, who for all intents and purposes, were strangers.  I already couldn't wait for the following week before I even left that evening.  And the book...well let me tell you it is life-changing.  I mean honest to goodness, real life, for realz, life-changing.  "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker, whom is now my all time favorite author and girl crush, is one of the best books I have read in a long time.  I recommend it to everyone I meet.  Weeks later I am still marinating and being challenged by its contents. 

This week we concluded our book club with a dinner, as suggested by Mrs. Hatmaker.  It was beautiful.  We talked about our husbands, our pregnancies, our extended families, childhoods, our struggles.  We ate, laughed, and cried together.  We created a community over my table.  I was so blessed and challenged.  I was refreshed and rode the high of authentic interaction through the next day and the next.       

As I type that phrase "authentic interaction" I am wrapped up in its meaning.  I know it is what God desires of our relationships.  I wonder why it is so hard for us to achieve.  I have few, stressing the word "few", individuals I feel I can be authentic with.  They have hung in there with me.  They have loved me when I didn't, or couldn't, love them or myself.  They have seen my darkness and remained.  They haven't given up on me nor have I given up on them.  Normally, this takes years for me to accomplish, but with this book club we were real and authentic on day one.  

The home we meet in was literally dripping with prayer and the Holy Spirit.  Their presence hung heavy in the air.  Our experience had been prayed over prior to us entering the home, throughout our stay and after.  

I have begun to challenge myself with prayer.  I want to pray before my interactions to remove the fear of rejection and abandonment and replace it with honesty and realness.  I am trying to pray my way through, to hang in there and not tune out when I am feeling exposed, uncomfortable and challenged.  I need prayers after for continued connection, to step out of my bubble to meet others where they are and to reduce my anxiety.

We came with the expectation of grace and acceptance and found it over a table.  We broke bread together just as Jesus did with his disciples.  We shared our love through the food we painstakingly prepared, or in my case (because it was "off the beam") bought, for one another.  

I challenge you to invite someone to your table.  Invite that lady you have been admiring from afar because you think she has it all together.  Invite the widow you see in your church always alone.  Invite the family that is loud and has children running all over the place.  

Why?  Because I am convicted we need less financial donations and more time donations.  We need to pour into each other, thus pouring into ourselves.  We need to care for the widows and orphans as God calls us to.  We need to have relationships with people before we preach to them.  I am convinced we have to have established trust before we hold others accountable.  We need to love, period.  Love.  It's how Jesus did it.  Love.  It is is who God is.  And I believe, wholeheartedly, real authentic love and relationships can happen over a table filled with wine and food.  It is time we change the family table to the community table.    

I can't wait to hear about your experiences.  Please comment below and tell me your experience with real authentic connections over your community table.  

Sex Part 2

After much prayer and thought, I think the best way to continue to address this subject is my own personal truth.  From my own truth, I can speak about sin and the grace and love of God.  Hear me when I tell you, Jesus can heal deep soul-aching hurts caused from sexual sin by and against you.

Our world is broken.  Sex has become a big business through pornography, prostitution and sex trafficking.

• It is estimated that sex trafficking is a 32 billion dollar business.  
• Estimates are, in fact, that there are about 4.5 million women and children forced, by coercion or abuse, into the sex industry today.
• Globally it is estimated that 40 million men, women and children are prostitutes.  

(Statistics from theexodusroad.com)

Sex is so powerful that it is a global economic resource.  We are willing to kidnap and enslave.  This is not God's design.  He never intended for sex to be a weapon used to keep men, women, and children in slavery to each other and sin.

I was a Jesus loving girl who didn't keep her virginity for my husband.  It is a decision that I have regretted.  There are times that I wish I had a Delorean time machine and could go back and choose differently but alas, I have none.  I have deep regret over my decisions and there are consequences to those sins.  But I serve a loving and grace-filled God who has forgiven me.  I will not be filled with shame because of my past mistakes and choices and he doesn't want you to be either.

I grew up with one foot in the world and one foot in the Word.  I heard from the world that it was ok to have sex with someone that you loved.  Just "protect yourself from pregnancy and disease" and you would be fine.  It was a way to "deepen your connection" , "draw you closer", and "express your love" (all of which are true, by the way, but just within the boundaries God has laid out).   I believed a lie that everyone was having sex and if I didn't "put out" for my boyfriend someone else would and I would lose him.  All of these beliefs and lies helped form my decision to have sex before marriage. I was  a girl who found her worth and value in what boys thought of her and was scared to death of abandonment.  

It was so confusing for me.  In church and youth group,  I heard how sex was a gift from God.  It was to be saved for marriage.  I remember being told to imagine sex was my heart and every person I had sex with would take a piece of it and pretty soon I would have nothing left for my husband.  I was never told what God actually thought about sex.  I was just told it was sinful and not to do it until I was married.

But what really formed my decision, was I had learned sex wasn't really a big deal.  I have sexual trauma in my past, and because of it,  I learned early on that my body was for other peoples' pleasure and I didn't really have control over it.  I know that I am not the only one who has their sexuality trained by such trauma.  Nearly 1 in 5 (18.3%) women and 1 in 71 men (1.4%) reported experiencing rape at some time in their lives.   I have had the extreme privilege to work with, and know, women, men and children who have experienced sexual trauma.

One thing I know for certain, without a shadow of a doubt, is sexual trauma changes you.  It changes how your body reacts.  It changes how your brain thinks.  It changes who you are.  There will always be, no matter how much counseling you have, a "before sexual trauma" you and "after sexual trauma" you.

But here is the beautiful thing, I have grown to love the "after sexual trauma" me.  She is strong.  She is bold.  She is vigilant.  She is an advocate.  She is loyal.  She is beautiful.  She has a voice.

There is one and only one reason why I love her so much...Jesus has redeemed her.  He has, and continues to, come in to my deep soul-aching hurts and place his healing balm of recovery, acceptance, and love over them.  He has held me and loved me when I was unlovable.  He has forgiven me for the terrible choices I made after my assault.  He has help me forgive my assailants and myself.  He brings peace to me when I am restless.  I can call on his name when I have flashbacks and he drives them away.  

He can help heal you if you call out to him and allow him to come into your life and begin the process.  He wants to hold you and wipe your tears.  He wants you to come to him and let your heart cry out.  He wants you to know that it isn't your fault.  It was never your fault.  Your sexual trauma isn't your sin.  Give the sin and shame back to your assailant.  It isn't yours to carry.  Dear one, you are lovable and deserve love.

So what do we do?  First, I believe, we seek God.  We ask for forgiveness for our past sins and attitudes.  We repent and begin to align ourselves with God's view of sex and sexuality.  That means we need to dive into God's holy and true Word and find out what his plan and design for sex and sexuality is.

Some of us may need counseling.  I did.  I have been in counseling off and on for 18 years for my sexual history.  Every now and then, something new that I haven't dealt with comes up and I need help working through it.

Second, we begin the discussions with our families, our friends, our churches, our leaders, our community.  I do give caution.  You don't have to tell everyone your story.  Only tell what is safe for you to divulge.  Not everyone is safe because they haven't earn your trust and that's ok.  Just begin a general conversation.

How can the Church help sexual trauma survivors?  How do we recover from our sexual history?  What does good healthy sex look like in marriages?  What do we want our kids to know?  How can we reach out to sex workers?

Discussion like these can change lives.  Discussions like these can begin to bring Jesus back into our sex lives.

Lord, I love you.  Thank you for saving me from myself and my negative decisions and attitudes.  Thank you for healing.  Thank you for your forgiveness.  Lord, help us become a people who embrace everyone of every sexuality and trauma and love on them.  Help us show Jesus to those who have never seen him.  Help us to keep shame, blame, and judgement out of our homes, churches, and communities.  Make us less like ourselves and more like you.  In Jesus's name, Amen.

Reclaiming Sex for God

I want Christians to take sex back from the world.  That's right,  I am on a sex crusade.  Good, monogamous, marital sex.  Before you think I have totally lost my mind and gone to the dark side, let me explain.

The world has lots to say about sex.  Most if what the world says about sex is lies.  It is not without boundaries.  It is not to be used as a weapon to control, hurt, and punish others.   It is not to be practiced by children or singles.

But, and here your mind may be blown, Christians have lied about sex also.  It is not something that is only for the purposes of procreation.  Sex should not be filled with shame and disgrace.  Sex is not disgusting.  It is something that should be looked forward to.  Sex is a very important part of marriage.  Sex is good.  Sex is fun.  Sex is something to be enjoyed, celebrated, and (gasp) be talked about.  Bottom line, if the Bible talks about sex so should we.

We should be talking about it in our homes, in our youth groups, in our life groups, and from the pulpit.  We should be talking about what God's design for sex is to our children, our spouses, and our friends.

We shouldn't be ashamed of sex.  God created sex.  He designed an enjoyable (Bonus!!) way for a married couple to unite and physically become one.  It is the most intimate form of martial worship.  It communicates love and acceptance to one another.  Have you ever thought about God in your marriage bed?  Well you should, because he's there,  and he cares about your sex life.

He cares if you are satisfied with it.  He cares if you have been hurt by it.  He cares if you are bored with it.  He had a whole book of the Bible written about sex.  Jesus cares about sex.

For the next couple of blogs I am going to dive deeper into sex.  What does the world say about it?  What does the Bible says about sex?  What is the church saying about it?  How do we talk about sex?  Why should we talk about sex?

I am aware this is a very sensitive topic and I am going to try to be as delicate as this gal can possibly be.  But hear my heart, I want you and your spouse to have a freaking fantastic sex life, so I am going to be blunt and honest also.  It is time to reclaim sex for Jesus.

Glenn R. Hickernell

Glenn R. Hickernell

Posted: Friday, September 18, 2015 6:00 am, Meadvilletribune.com

CONNEAUTVILLE — Glenn R. Hickernell, 73, of Conneautville, passed away Wednesday Sept. 16, 2015, at Meadville Medical Center. He was born in Meadville, March 30, 1942, to the late Jack and Elvira Peffer Hickernell. He married Kathy Swartz in 1974. She survives.

Shakespeare said the world was a stage, but to Glenn it was also a classroom. After graduating from Allegheny College he taught us for 39 years at Conneaut Valley High School. Mr. Hickernell was our English and photography teacher and drama director. Glenn was a leader in our churches. He directed us towards higher principles, family values and the priority of helping kids. He was our friend, guiding us how to change our darkest chapters into stories of value. Rocking in a lawn chair, sitting in a classroom or standing on a stage to reach just one child was just another day with Glenn.

In addition to his wife, he is survived by four children, Paul, his wife, Elise, and their children, Lucas, Aiden and Jackson Hickernell of Troy, Ohio, Christopher, his wife, Marjorie, and their children, Treten and Talon Hickernell, of Salem, Mass., Sarah Hickernell of Asheville, N.C., Kimberly and her husband, Aaron Cole, of Erie; a sister, Sally and her husband, Drew Overpeck, of Glendale Springs, N.C.; a brother, John and his wife, Mary Hickernell, of Kansas City, Mo.; and many nieces and nephews.

Glenn’s final curtain call will be at 2 p.m. Saturday at Valley Church United Methodist, 1118 Main St., Conneautville. Retired pastor and dear friend Bill Deets will be officiating. A gathering will follow the service for us to share our fondest moments and greatest memories with Glenn.

Memorial contributions in Glenn's name may be made to any charity of your choice.

Arrangements have been entrusted to the services of White-Cool Funeral Home, Conneautville.

Condolences can be left for the family by visiting white-coolfuneralhome.org.

The world has lost a beautiful man.  Mr. Hickernell was more than a teacher or a friend's father.  He was a gift from God.  He taught me to love photography, the theater, and myself.  He came along at a time when I didn't like myself all that much.  I placed my worth instead by which boys liked me and he, along with a few other influential people, helped to begin my process of learning to love myself.

He gave me a role in the a school theater production and I fell in love.  Under his direction I was able to become Medea, Anne Frank, and Amanda Wingfield (Glass Menagerie), among many others.

I memorized the famous speech given by Marc Antony in "Julius Caesar".
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen lend me your ears."

I memorized Juliet's heart wrenching words in "Romeo and Juliet"
"O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet."

It was because of Mr. Hickernell I feel in love with Shakespeare.  

He drove me and his son, Paul, for years to countless  Junior Achievement meetings.  He would take us to visit his parents where I would begin to understand who my friend, Paul,  came from.  He would speak to truth in me as an educator and a mentor.  When he saw that I was losing myself to boys and other things, he would kindly tell me to get myself together and start caring about myself.

But more important than all the education and experiences he gave me was that he showed me Jesus could look like a middle-aged man riding around in a Rascal scooter through the hallways of Conneaut Valley High School.  

Mr. Hickernell didn't preach to me.  I actually don't think he ever even said the name of Jesus to me in all the years I knew him.  What he did do was show me Jesus.  He displayed love, grace, discipline, acceptance, kindness and joy in every interaction I was a part of and witness to.    

I was blessed to observe him with his wife and children.  He was loving and yet a disciplinarian.  I remember one year he let, Christopher I think, put up "Not Christmas" lights because his children wanted lights on the house even though they did not celebrate the traditional Christmas.    

I remember his sacrifice of time for his children and support at their activities.

My sister and I were reminiscing about him today and she told me the story how he promised her and her friend that if they came to class everyday during the 2nd semester he would let them take his Rascal for a ride around the school running errands for him.  Sure enough they came to class everyday for the entire semester and on the last day he let them rip around the hallways on the Rascal.

He took an awkward teenage girl who didn't like her parents, didn't like herself, and gave her joy and self-confidence.  He gave me a sense of security.  He gave me a peak at what Jesus looks like through his interactions with me and others.

It couldn't have been easy to be him.  Some talked behind his back and teased him because of his weight.  He had to use a Rascal to get around and some laughed behind him.  But, just like Jesus, he returned their teasing with love and kindness.  He held his head high and taught by example, never expressing a word, how to live gracefully and joyfully in the midst of pain and ridicule. 

He never returned a harsh word to the hurtful words thrown at him.  There were people who said he and his family were in a cult because their practiced their Christian faith differently than most in our small town.  Never did I ever hear a single defensive word come out of his mouth.  Instead, I witnessed a man who held fast to his faith and led his family.  I never had a father who led his family like Jesus leads the Church ,but when I would imagine what that looked like I always envisioned how I witnessed Mr. Hickernell behave with his family.  

I am blessed for knowing him.

Mr. Hickernell, these are all things I should have told you before you went home to Jesus.  I am sorry I never did.  But I want your family to know that your legacy reached far beyond them.  Thank you for the memories and life lessons.  I know you are out of pain and healed in heaven and I hope you family finds comfort in that.  

Until I see you again.  

Nurse Ratchet

My husband affectionally calls me Nurse Ratchet.  For those who have watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" you know this is not necessarily a compliment.  But I have to admit, he is right, I am a terrible nurse.  In my opinion, all sick people should voluntarily quarantine themselves and leave the healthy humans alone.   Take your medicines, tissues and other sickness paraphernalia into your room with you (maybe ask for the occasional water or soup) and let us be.  We have a life to live, you know, and can't spend it taking care of your head cold.

My poor children never get any slack when they are sick.  I am notorious for saying things like, "Push through", "Just because your sick doesn't mean that the world stops",  and "If you don't feel well, go lay down and stop infecting the rest of us."  I don't mean to be unempathic when someone is sick and actually I am very empathic when you are ill.  I feel terrible that you feel terrible, really I do. I just am not a good nurse.  I enjoy taking care of people in many ways, but nursing is not one of them.

If you want someone to help you advocate on your child's behalf at a school meeting...I'm your girl.  Need your oil changed...keep walking.  If you want to discuss the symbolism in "The Old Man and the Sea"...yoo-hoo, over here.  Need help with your physics homework...next, please.  You need a recipe for tonight's dinner...yep, I can help with that.  Need a bullnose plane...I have no idea what you are talking about.  Want advice about navigating the system for you child with special needs...pick me!! Want someone to vent to and laugh with over coffee...when do you want me there?

What I'm trying to say is, there are thing I am really good at and things I really suck at.  Learning and accepting my strengths and weaknesses has been a blessing with age.  As I have gotten older I am beginning, notice I said "beginning", to feel less pressure to be perfect at everything.  Age has given me some perspective that I cannot be, nor do I want to be, everything to my people.  I cannot possibly be expected to teach my children everything that they need to know to be honest, loving, empathic, and productive adults.  That is one of the reasons we have begun to strategically put other adults in their lives.  I don't want to be the be-all end-all to my husband, which is why it is important for him to have other friends.

Honestly, I think it is rather prideful and arrogant to think that God created me to be everything to all those around me.  In the past, I tried to do just that.  Eventually, I became exhausted and bitter because I was doing everything for everyone.  I had to get honest with myself and realize I created that maddening nightmare myself and I only had myself to be angry with.  I needed to change.  I had to get real about who I was and what areas I excelled and blundered in.  I had to make space in my life for others, who I trusted, to come in and fill in the gaps.  But more importantly, I had to make space for God.  

God excels at being God.  He wants to come and fill in our gaps and when we acknowledge we can't control everything or do it all, we make space for him to come in and do just that.  If we are busy being God than what do we need him for?  We can't expect Jesus to come rescue us if we aren't giving him space to do his work.  But that was exactly what I was doing.  I was trying to be God to everyone around me.  Even worse, I realized I was teaching my children that they didn't need God because Mom is the one who is the savior, not Jesus.

Can I guide them, help them and teach them?  Absolutely.  But to whom am I guiding them to?  To whom am I telling them should be their first stop for help?  To whom am I leading them to get advice from first?  It shouldn't be me.  It should be the the real Savior, Jesus.  I want them to go to Jesus with their hurts and failures first.  I want them to look in the Bible and talk to God about what to do in their lives before coming to me and getting my advice.  I want them to rely on the only totally and completely reliable resource, their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  And the first way I can do that is to rely on Jesus first myself.  I need to lead by example.

I am a terrible nurse but Jesus is the Great Physician.  And lucky for my people, Jesus can also give me a extra dose of grace to deal with them and their infectious diseases.  Oh crap, was that someone sneezing?

Thank you for my beautiful friends and family, who you have given me, to help fill in my gaps.  Thank you for being my Savior.  There are none who are better at being God then you.  It is your rightful place, not mine.  Lord, forgive me for trying to be God.  I confess, that I am terrible at being everything to everyone.  You didn't create me to do this.  Please Lord, remove my pridefulness and arrogance and replace it with humility and the need and will to seek you.  I pray that my children, and their children for generations, will seek your face and guidance all the days of their lives.  I pray that my legacy with be one of humbleness and grace.  I love you Jesus.  It is in your name, the name above all other names, that I pray...amen.      

I'm Not Finished

Philippians 1:6

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

My husband, the youngest of 5 (4 boys and 1 girl),  tells a story of how his sister used to be in charge of the kitchen clean up after meals when they were growing up.  He recalls hollering to her that he wasn't finished with his meal as she would pick up his plate to wash it.  She would ignore him or tell him too bad because she was ready to clean up.  I love that story.  

One reason I love that story is because it reminds me that none of us are finished.  We aren't finished growing or learning.  We aren't finished dreaming (thus the rise from the ashes of this blog) or achieving.  We are creatures that are still "in process".  Honestly, it would behoove me more to remember that neither I, nor my children or husband, are finished and I should give grace accordingly.  

That is hard for me.  I have hugely high expectations for myself and all those around me.  I expect that while the rest of the world is still unfinished and making mistakes, that my people and I won't.  Certainly not us!  These high expectations cause deep hurt in my life. 

Time for some gut honest truth.  I can seem rigid, judgmental, and unforgiving.  Even more truth, sometimes I am those things.  Usually, I am those things because of my high expectations for others.  My high expectations can cause others to quit and give up because they will never be good enough for me.  Hear my heart, I am sorry.  I am sorry to those that I have made feel that way.  I am sorry that I have hurt you and caused you pain because of my expectations.  I apologize.  I could go on for paragraphs but the bottom line is I should never use those expectations to cut down, hurt and belittle others.  I am sorry.   

I have had friends tell me to just lower my expectations and I wouldn't be hurt and honestly, I wish I could.  I wish I could expect nothing out of anyone or myself but deep down I don't know that I really want that.  I think that sometimes high expectations have helped me experience God miracles.  Those high expectations help me realize that I can't do anything on my own.  They help me fall to my knees and cry out to God for his wisdom, grace and salvation.  Those high expectations have cleared me of myself and allowed God to enter and work because I know that there is no way on earth to achieve what I hope to achieve without God entering into my life and working his God miracles.  

I have imposed my high expectations on others because I want them to achieve greatness and see some God miracles in their lives too.  What I need to do is learn to even out those high expectations with good Biblical love.  I run into trouble when I don't invite God in and impose my expectations and not God's expectations.   His expectations are rooted in his word and truth.  They are for the good.   They always come with his help.  Which leads me to the last reason I love my husband's childhood story.   

It is a reminder of one of God's promises.  He will never leave us hollering that we aren't finished.  I leave people unfinished but he will always complete us.  One day all my high expectations for myself and my people will be completed in God's all knowing and perfect way because he will complete us, not me.  He is completing us.  He is making me and you whole as I type this.  One day we will be complete.  He will finish what he started in us.  Isn't that a beautiful thought?  To be finished, whole, complete.  God is working.  He never stops.  He started us, is working on us and through us, and will finish us!  Amen.   I am praising him and blessed just by thinking of this promise. 

I pray you find hope that you and your people are not finished.  God started a work and promises to complete it.  

Lord, thank you for your word and promises.  Thank you for finishing what you start.  Thank you for not being like me. and being God.  Thank you for never becoming distracted and losing interest in us.  Thank you for not using your expectations to hurt.  Thank you for loving us enough to complete us.  Lord, I ask that you grant us extra grace and love for ourselves and each other while you are doing your work in us.  Help us to remember that we are unfinished works and to love the in-process masterpieces of those around us.  It is only because of your son that we can be heard by you.  Thank you for Jesus, his sacrifice and his advocacy on our behalf.  It is in his name we pray, amen.    

BLOG NOTE:  

I have been gone too long.  I have allowed Satan to tell me this blog and it's contents are a waste of time.  Today I say no more.  No more!  I have had a desire to write since I was young and over the years that desire to has morphed into a desire to write devotionals and teach.  I have LOTS to learn and hone.  Please be patient with me.  I ask for your prayers to remain steadfast in God's will.  To be honest, I am filled with doubt and anxiety.  I appreciate your feedback so please give it.  Let me know, in kindness please, what your thoughts are about this blog and it's posts.  I look forward to hearing from you.  Here we go...again.  Thanks for sticking with me.